The Lord shall smite you

You know how cursing according to the torah was a big deal, but it was always kind of backhanded?

Well I always wondered how curses today would sound if we made them ancient sounding but, used modern day terminology. Some of these may sound like blessings if you take a more Chassidic approach, because everything is a blessing in disguise.

May your bais yaakov graduates be the last ones to marry in their class

May you never find a spot on Coney Island Ave

You shall be smitten with flaky challah that no knife can cut

Cleave to the rebetzin or she shall cast you off to the Upper West Side

May you continue to struggle with high tuition bills and burnt cholent

May your daughters go off the derech and get degrees

May your matzo balls fall apart in your watery chicken soup

You sons will be amaratzim and your daughters will be educated

Your wife will grow a tail and wear shabbos robes during the week

You shall be smitten with meatless cholent and healthy food

The Lord shall smite you if you do not show your cleavage to him

May your children fall in love with Uncle Moishy tapes

Your beard will stay brown and you will always need Artscroll