I am not gay, so naturally my knowledge of exactly what frum gay Jewish folks like and don’t like is limited. However, I like to think I have a finger on the frum gay velt and my gay friends and I have discussed many things mentioned in this article. I am sure the comments will be funny, I am warning you that certain words make comments go to spam – so be clean and be civil.
Stuff Frum Gay Jews Like:
Mikvah: Do I need to say anymore?
Yeshiva Dorms: I have a couple of friends from yeshiva who were gay, I didn’t know until years later, but they all told me that the yeshiva dorm was like heaven and hell at the same time. You know that moshel about gehenom being a long table of food where everyone’s hands are chained up, but no one is willing to feed each other? Imagine being in a dorm with a bunch of half naked dudes walking around, but you cannot do anything. Actually maybe you should imagine being in a seminary dorm.
JCC Showers: I always hated the JCC showers, when you grow up frum you just aren’t used to that much penis in one place (frum, not Chassidic – they go to mikvah) but, I bet gay Jews love the JCC locker room, just don’t stare too much.
Separate Seating: I hate separate seating at weddings, but I’m pretty sure gay dudes get their thibgh rubs on at really crowded meals and simchas.
Shomer Negiah: What could get better than being commanded not to touch girls?
Separate Dancing: Sweaty hands? No problem. Getting shoved into guys because the circle suddenly stops, priceless. I bet you they also like those rabbi shoulder rubs that rabbis always feel they need to do when they get behind you.
Hakafos: Just another excuse to rub up on guys and dance with em, but this time they are drunk.
Hoshanos: Maybe someone can tell me if hoshanos is a turn on, all those dudes walking around in circles poking each other by accident.
Aleinu on Yom Kippur: My buddy clued me in on that one, I personally hate aleinu on yom kippur, the blood rushes to my head – as do the smells that I don’t want to mention. If you’re gay you get the best view in the house.
Chassidish events: Chassidim are super touchy feely and there is always dancing of some sort. If you are at an event with a bleacher, you can score some up-bekishe shots.
Tzitzis: a lot of baal teshuva girls think tzitzis are hot, I hear that gay guys also like this. I suppose it’s something they can tickle each other with.
Tefilin: Nothing like a slamming hot dude in leather.
Shidduch Crisis: There may be too many women around, but there are plenty of men as well. The longer people stay single, the more likely they are to admit they are gay. I know several guys who definitely ring up on peoples gaydar but, I don’t think they will ever come out.
Singles shabbatons: I was told that gay dudes go to single shabbatons to either ensure closet is closed, to meet another gay dude or with the hope to get stuck with a cute roommate and see him in just a towel.
Steven Greenberg: I have three words for you – Gay Orthodox Rabbi. I just wonder if he eats triangle-K or not?
Frum Satire: Where else can you find a frum blog (it’s debatable if this a frum blog) that is gay friendly and doesn’t want to pull a Kahana on you folks.
Rabbis involved in gay scandals: now I have no idea if this is true, but if I were gay and orthodox, I would be totally down with all of these ultra orthodox Rabbis getting busted in compromising gay situations. It means there is hope that someday, gays will be accepted, or at least the gaydar will be able to pick up that true 10% of the frum population.
Chavrusa: The homoerotic underpinnings of the chavrusa breakup song were so obvious.
Purim: Everyone gets drink, there is lots of hugging and I have seen French kissing, can you imagine how good that must feel – to be gay a free for a few hours to do whatever you want.
Stuff Frum Gay Jews Don’t Like:
Mikvah Boners: How exactly would someone deal with this?
Parshas Kedoshim: Getting killed for being how you were born has to suck, it makes me feel real bad for everyone who was born gay.
The Jewish Press: Ever notice that the entire chronicles or crisis section is about wives that figure out their husbands have a disease. That disease is either internet addiction, porn addiction or SSA (same sex attraction) Last I checked homosexuality wasn’t in the DSM.
Toeva: Frummies love calling everything gay an abomination, the toeva parade, the toeva marriage bill and so on. I just always wondered why they never called all those who cheat the government and deal dishonestly in business, toeva businesses.
Shidduchim: I know of one guy that got married to stay in the closet, it’s a crazy world out there and I can imagine there are many gay dudes in shidduchim that feel there is no where else to turn, so they do what everyone else is doing in the hope that they can change.
Jonah: Apparently reversing your sexual orientation is possible; maybe they can take straight people and make them gay? I have never met any gay person that didn’t wish they were like everyone else, but they can’t just change. If anyone has successfully gone through Jonah, I would love to talk to you because apparently no one has ever come out of the closet as a Jonah graduate.
Coming Out: It’s really a nightmare – I wrote about it and I am still scared for people that have to live through this hellish event.
Cookies: Because there is nothing like forgetting to erase your cookies and having a nosy person on your computer. You won’t find any gay porn on my computer.