What if you found out your husband was gay?

Guest post by Frum N’ Flipping

It’s got to be one of the worst fears of an Orthodox girl. How can you tell if the boy you are dating is not attracted to women.

Religious men are told to keep it a secret — to keep their leanings under wraps. There are those that don’t listen to the rabbis and step out of the closet — those of the YU variety for instance, but they are the minority.

So meanwhile, a large percentage of homosexual men are out there, on the Shidduch circuit, looking for a nice Frum girl to marry and with whom to have kids,with whom to build a family. Which may be admirable in principle, but let’s just say I don’t want to be that woman.

There’s no real way to find out ahead of time. You’re in a Shomer Negiah relationship. You’re not checking out the physical side of things. You jump in on faith, telling yourself that you like each other, that it will all work out later in the Yichud room — once you’re passed the wedding canopy.

You rely on ‘chemistry’ — that wonderful, promising, vague word. You rely on the way his eyes light up, the way he smiles, the glances and the vibes. But can’t that be faked? And maybe, if you want something enough, if you like him enough, you make yourself see something that isn’t really there. Because it’s there on your part, you think he’s gorgeous, and he’s going out with you, pursuing you, so surely he likes you?

So you marry him. You discover only much later what’s lurking in that closet.

Can an Orthodox girl tell if her Shidduch date is homosexual? There are stereotypes about looks, dress, voice and tone, body language and aura. There are jokes about ‘artsy’ men and sensitive souls. But maybe those men really are the husbands of your dreams, caring and empathetic and artistic, and straight.

Bored Jewish Guy was nice enough to give his take on it. I feel the same way. But is talking about it beforehand enough when boys are basically told by their Rabbis and teachers to hide it, to deceive?

Blame this post on Srugim. (If you’re a Srugim fan, and you aren’t up to date on the second series yet, please don’t kill me.) I don’t understand Reut. How can Reut know that the guy she’s dating is gay, and still be willing to carry on dating him? How can she contemplate marriage with him?

I don’t know what the truth is about how orthodox homosexuals should be handling their sexual identity. It must be hell for them; that much is obvious. I’m not here to judge them. I’m not here to offer an opinion. So much talk abounds about the men. Debates flourish, on whether they should hide it, whether they should try and lead a standard Orthodox family life.

What I never hear about — what I never thought about before is their wives.