Stuff Chassidim Like

This post was going originally going to be Stuff Charedim Like. Miss Frum n’ Flippin convinced me that Charedim and Chassidim are two very different animals – I knew this and decided to change the article to plain old Chassidim. In America we really don’t have Charedim — we have more loosely defined categories than Israel. In fact, Israelis actually use their categories for all sorts of things — like not letting you apply to their school because you’re a part of one sect and not the other.

Stuff Chassidim Like:

Heimishe: Chassidim love all things heimishe. They have this steakhouse in Brooklyn that calls itself the only heimishe steakhouse. Then there’s the heimishe hoagie at Chap a Nosh. They talk about crowds being heimishe, and while it supposedly means warm, it really means chassidish and undoubtedly comes to mean of lower quality.

Riots: These past two years have been seminal for riot lovers in Israel. Chassidim took the streets defending their civil rights that had been taken away. Intel was open on Shabbos, the governments parking lot was open on Shabbos, women were davening at the wall Ė but they were laining too. The new bridge in Jerusalem allowed for up-skirt shots from the street. They used to set aside stones to throw on Shabbos, but figured that burning dumpsters after Shabbos was better and more fun.

Polish Nobles: I heard that the chassidish garb is because they want to emulate Polish Nobles of the 19th century. I have no idea how it became halacha to wear a streimel, but they are cool and provide a good nest egg should you ever need $3,000 on the fly.

Button Down Shirts: Not only do men wear button down shirts — the women wear them too. Women are into pink and they tend to button them all the way to the top.

Bungee Cords: To hold the car together of course!

Illegible Hechsherim: Why is it that you cannot read most Chassidish hechsherim? Seems like a conspiracy to me. If it looks like Yiddish, it must be kosher.

Littering: If you ask any Chassid why their neighborhoods are so dirty they will undoubtedly tell you that itís because they have so many kids and soitís hard to keep track of the filth. Lame answer. The other answer is that cleaning up trash is bitul Torah. So I ask you why do Chassidim love to litter?

Triple Parking: I tried to invent a video game once that made people test their triple and double parking skills on 13th avenue. It never saw fruition but triple parking is still all the rage in Boro Park.

Real Estate: Chassidim are great at real estate deals. I have no idea how they figured on Williamsburg, but they bought in early. In general Chassidim are big in the real estate game. They buy properties in very random places and own lots.

Mikvah: Chassidim love going to the mikvah. I feel like itís the only chance they get to shower.

Cholent: In Monsey you can buy it in the gas station. I am sure other places do that too. I wonder if there are vending machines that sell cholent? Chassidim are obsessed with cholent — itís like their energy source or something.

Hitchhiking: The last I remembered, the entire market for 15 seater vans was dominated by Chassidim. Can someone tell me why white and navy blue are such popular colors? Why are all these chassidim clutching black shopping bags and holding their hats down in the wind always hitchhiking? Does it have something to do with the game chicken? They are wearing black and walking very close to the shoulder in the middle of a cool Catskills evening.

Federal Aid: Welfare, Section 8 housing, Medicaid, government sponsored bussing, school vouchers, etcÖChassidim are experts at getting federal aid. I worked as a school lunch auditor and those Chassidim know the system. Everything is fairly legal Ė besides the real estate developers that build section 8 housing for their families. If not for the chassidish Medicaid office in Williamsburg, I would have never been able to get government health care. Of course I then got a job and couldnít have it anymore.

Staring: Ever notice that Chassidim love to stare at you? If you donít look frum they stare and point and debate in Yiddish if you are a yid or a goy. It doesnít make a difference if you are wearing a yarmulke and tzitzis. If you donít look like a frummy, you will get a staring.

Other stuff they like:

Fur hats

Chumras

Lipa

The Catskills

Rye Bread

Shaved heads Ė both men and women

Dressing all the kids in the same outfit

Working in Diamonds

Tznius patrols

Gambling

Smoking

Stuff Chassidim Donít like:

Legal System: Chassidim donít really believe in the legal system. Malchusay Dinah doesnít really apply to them and it shows. They love to handle with the law, occupy illegal sites, build illegal yeshivas, multi family dwellings and are constantly breaking the law in some way Ė who can blame a group of people stuck in 19th century shtetl mentality?

Zionism: The last time I checked, the Chassidim didnít openly support Niturei Karta — but if you speak to Chassidim, they donít really say bad things about them. Sure, denying the holocaust is kind of lame, but having Israel before moshiach comes is downright insane.

Color: In trying to recreate the 1800ís, the Chassidim decided that color isnít an option. That being the case, everyone dresses in black, white and gray. The women are allowed dark navy blue and dark green as well.

Deodorant: It may be their love affair with mikvahs, but Chassidim smell terrible — maybe it has something to do with ointments being vanity Ė not sure. The women smell worse than the men.

Women: If not for sex, babies and cooking Ė I bet you they would ban women. I guess the whole point of having women within Chassidic society is so they can keep banning things — slowly stripping away womenís rights until men have all of the power.

English: I have met Chassidim in New York city that donít speak or understand English, I wonder if the super right wing Jews who are into forcing people to speak English in America want to ship these people back to where they came from Ė Williamsburg.

Admitting Wrong Doing: A Chassidic man could be caught red handed in the middle of something illegal, but no matter what happens they will defend him. Chassidim show up in court to support child molestors and swear that no one Chassid could ever do such a thing. Read the frum websites and you will see ads taken out to defend wrong doers.

Other Stuff †Chassidim donít like:

Black people

Non-observant Jews

Bike lanes

Exercise

Vegetables other than potatoes

Non-heimishe brands

Working on the books

Stuff Chassidim arenít sure if they like:

Niturei Karta

Tuna Beigels

Supporting Rubashkin