As much as I dislike Hockers, I miss them dearly. Northern California has no real hockers. There are several potential hockers but nothing that truly fits the guy who grew up in Flatbush and dropped out of Touro to become a Nursing Home Administrator. We don’t have hatzoloh and it’s rude to talk on bluetooth — not to mention that there are hardly enough FFB’s to make them into hockers.
Stuff Hockers Like:
Hot Chanies: All of the true hockers have hot chanies as wives (they aren’t necessarily hot, but they have the look), which they show off at weddings while their wife stands by their side and rarely talks. A hockers wife only wears the best sheitles, eats sushi for lunch and drives a brand new Honda Odyssey or Acura MDX – hocker’s wives cars are usually black or silver.
Bluetooth: There is nothing more hocker than davening with a Bluetooth in your ear. Come to think of it, the Bluetooth is essential to the hocker lifestyle. Prior to Bluetooth it was 3 cell phones and prior to cell phones it was pagers. Hockers are always the first ones after shabbos to have a Bluetooth in their ear and they are most likely to have a conversation while on line at the grocery store.
Lease Deals: Hockers love leasing cars, and they love talking about the deal they got. They tend to do this during shul. What kind of hocker goes to shul to daven? They go to hock. For some reason hockers love Lexus’s, Maximas, and Infiniti G35’s and as always they should be in black and have lots of antennas and lights in them.
Sideburns: No idea how it happened but hockers seem to have longer sideburns than the average frummy.
Knowing Guys: If I had a nickel for every time some hocker guy said “I know a guy…” to me I would be rich. If I had a nickel for every time the hocker actually followed through, I would be just as rich. Hockers lover showing off their networking prowess until it actually comes to networking – hockers love to make deals and hook people up with guys they know, in theory.
Miami: Hockers love going to Miami. They have to rent a convertible and go jet skiing when they are there and then when they come back they have to show off how they love spending weekends in Miami.
Jewish Geography: Hockers love to say they know you from somewhere. Usually it’s just an opening into the classic game of “where do you daven and work?” and once in a blue moon they actually do know you. Hocker JG has be done in hocker Brooklyn speak and it usually quite militant and designed to make you feel worthless.
Hatzoloh: How hatzoloh became the hock of the town is beyond me. Sure, driving around in a overweight SUV with lights flashing on your way to a shabbos afternoon heart attack sounds great, but does that mean that hockers have hearts?
Kiddush Clubs: The whole concept of a Kiddush club is to discuss the hock while the rabbi drones on about saying an extra tehilim for Israel. Talk usually centers around deals, scams, politics and scotch.
Grilling: Hockers love barbecue and they hock about grills and who has the best meat.
Racism: Hockers love throwing around the N word. Hockers are usually the guys in yeshiva that had initiative and didn’t want to be poor kollel guys. Based on the N word usage in yeshiva, hockers use it a lot more because they are out in the world.
Other things hockers like:
Tall velvet yarmulkes
Guns
Dov Hikind
Fancy glasses
Steak
Shomrim
Cell Phones
Brooklyn
Polo Shirts
Fancy strollers
Calling people Reb Yid
Interrupting you
Miami Tall velvet yarmulkes
Shawarma
The Five Towns
Stuff hockers don’t like:
Listening: if hockers actually listen to a word you say they are obviously not hockers. Hockers have to get the first and last word into a conversation to show you who’s boss. They are usually talking on the phone anyway.
Minivans: Hockers refrain from driving minivans. Instead they buy very large SUVs to fit all of their family in the car. When the hockers wife drives the large SUV she loves to use two lanes, she never uses her blinker and really enjoys double parking.
BTs: go watch a hocker talk with a BT, I made a video about it. It’s always condescending. It’s kind of like “what’s wrong with you?”
Liberals: Frum people hate liberals in general, but since hockers always “know” some politicians and think they know politics they show even more disdain than regular frummies.
Intelligence: hockers always need to feel superior to people, so when they meet someone who knows more about something than they do it creates issues for their self esteem.
Milchigs: hockers are meat and potatoes kind of guys. They want to eat steak, cholent and maybe sushi – but they don’t eat dairy.
Trees: when hockers move up in the world they will probably move somewhere and buy a house. The first order of the day is to make it look as huge and obnoxious as possible. In order to allow everyone to see the house they tear out all of the trees and plant little shrubs in their place.
Black Hats: Real hockers don’t wear hats, they used to wear them as kids, but now they wear their tall black velvet yarmulkes. They are either going bald, or have a crop of hair right in front of their yarmulke with which they are always playing.
Other things hockers don’t like:
College
Modern Orthodox people
Small cars
Science
Waiting in line – they always find an excuse to cut the line
Shorts
Women working – unless it’s an at home business like portraits, washing sheitles or an online business
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