Rules for New Yorkers visiting Miami for pesach

By Zalmy Fny Silver

I am not a fan of writing words in caps – but I didn’t feel like editing the whole thing…

1- You CAN, I repeat, CAN make a FREAKING RIGHT TURN ON RED!! The only place in the entire USA where for some goddamn reason you CANT, is NY. So, TURN! TURN! TURN! isn’t it wonderful?!

2 – I know this is VERY HARD to understand, but in normal cities, the concept of simply stopping your car in a fully functional lane of traffic, even for thirty seconds, is NOT DONE!!! If I see you double park, you will be calling a tow truck home, due to the four flat tires on your car.

(FORTUNATELY, like every other normal non overcrowded craphole, we have this amazing thing called a “parking lot”. It is a designated area where, for a SMALL fee, you can park your car while you shop/eat/talk to all your friends from ny who, even though they live around the corner from you, you only see in miami. PLEASE- I know a big empty flat space is very enticing, but please refrain from building a “co-op” or “sushi restaurant” on it. It ‘s for parking only!) … See More

3- People actually are NOT in FREAKING SUPER RUSH to get everywhere. For one, its Miami Beach. People actually enjoy life there. Also, its vacation, for, gods sake! PLEASE, do NOT, I REPEAT, do NOT HONK THE MICROSECOND THE LIGHT CHANGES TO GREEN! We actually can afford the time to wait 1 whole second for the light to change before switching our foot from the brake pedal to the gas. If you HONK at me, you will be LIMPING home! Got that, tough guy?

Also, PLEASE refrain from honking at- people driving the speed limit, kids crossing the street, crossing guards, people in wheelchairs, air molecules, and all the other things nyers apparently honk at.

4- YES, it REALLY IS super obvious you are a NYER. You’re wearing khaki shorts, a polo shirt, clogs/sandals, and a FREAKIN YANKEES HAT! Also, you are most probably burnt to a crisp. Believe it or not, your disgustingly pale white skin, which hasnt seen the sun for six month straight, is NOT all of a sudden ready for 90 degree sunlight. You will NOT get a hot tan to show the one person on your block in ny who didn’t go to Miami. You WILL, however, become redder than a bais Yaakov girl on her first shidduch date when she accidentally touches the boys hand reaching for the water , and, most probably, begin shedding like a snake. WEAR SUNSCREEN. God.

5- PLEASE, whatever you do, do NOT, I repeat, do NOT complain about how “slow” the service is in your restaurant of choice. Do you want to KNOW why its slow? HINT: in the SUMMER, when none of you damn nyers are here, the service is FAST. Got it?

(what they need is TWO separate lines- for residents, and for nyers. I ALSO freaking hate that I have to wait an hour for a slice of pizza b.c of you and your 15 kids- so, you BETTER not open your mouth about it, b/c I will probably knock your teeth in)

Ps. Four slices with extra cheese, 2 curly fries, a slice of cheesecake—- and a DIET coke. You people crack me up!…

six- we know you think you are coolest person on planet earth with your rented chrsyler sebring convertible or mustang. You are not. (Thank you (however, DO rent them. It will make it THAT much easier to figure out who’s tires to slash)

(Also, Believe it or not, the Miami girls aren’t impressed with 4 pasty white, glasses wearing jewish nyers wearing Yankees hats and blasting R and B music from their crappy rental car.)

PS. YES, she IS too young 😉


Just piping in here – while we are on the subject of the pesach in Miami thing, I have heard unconfirmed reports of women who go out to the beach wearing snoods/sheitles and two piece bikinis…has anyone seen this?