Rabbis ban air: It contains bugs

Orthodox Rabbis may ban air, because of the bacteria and bugs contained within it. It sounds crazy, but in a report released by ultra orthodox Rabbis in Lakewood, they clearly state that breathing in air is assur and that we as a people need to take drastic steps to prevent fellow Yidden from succumbing to the evil inclination and breathing in bugs. According to the Torah, eating bugs is considered an abomination, akin to cheating on your taxes and having anal sex with another man, and these Rabbis have finally admitted that breathing should not be allowed.

Of course, these Rabbis do realize that it is nearly impossible not to breathe, although there are stories of great Lithuanian Rabbis who were able to hold their breath for long periods of time in order not to consume any bugs, as the generations become removed from great torah centers in Lithuania, we lose our ability to hold our breath for as long as gedolim like Shimon Shkop and Chaim Volozhin could, even Rav Ahron had to come up for air once in a while, but he never consumed any bugs chas v’shalom.

In order to prevent the consumption of bugs through breathing, several ideas have been pushed forth, including genetic engineering Jewish noses to be even larger than they already are, gas masks and kosher bottled air, the third being the most realistic since it has already been done with water.

We will keep you updated as this story develops.