First there was fat camp, then there was shidduch camp

We have all heard of fat camp, a place where fat people go to lose weight and integrate into normal society.  Being an older single like being obese must be a disease or a genetic predisposition and therefore we bring you Shidduch Camp to help older girls fully realize their shidduch market value.

Shidduch camp is designed with the problematic single in mind; it is designed to integrate singles back into society while helping them find their soul mates, through a few easy programs.

I’m not picky – yes you are: A program designed specifically for singles who reject a potential match based on minor criteria such as age, height, body proportions, money, family situation, drug abuse, same sex attraction, yarmulke color, hat size, shirt color and which shul the father went to. This program will help singles get over their fear of marrying someone they don’t actually love or care to have children with.

You say you aren’t picky, but leading shidduch analysts have determined that you are, why else would you be 30 and single? Unless there’s something wrong with you, is it possible you need the “I’m 30 a bitter” shidduch camp experience?

Never say he’s too short, too fat, too poor, too rich, too ugly, too ghetto, too yeshivish, too modern, too greasy, too sloppy, etc…again.

I’m 30 and bitter: For some reason the shidduch institute has noticed that once a girl hits 30 and remains a single she automatically changes from “nice gril with good midos who likes to do chesed” to angry bitch – or “bitter as the shidduch community likes to call it. She stops going to bikur cholim and starts watching sex and the city, contemplates moving to less frum communities like the upper west side and may even think about thinks like boyfriends and love.

Don’t worry dear bitter friends, at Shidduch Camp, we will teach you to love your single and celibate life of living in your grandmother’s basement in Monsey. Did you know that girls who move to the upper west side are 40% less likely to marry by age 40, and 32% more likely to lose their heimishe cooking skills due to the usage of things like bok choy and brown rice (the shidduch institute has determined that brown rice is one of the few non-heimishe brown foods)

I’m so hot, I can get any guy: Many girls are hot, but once they hit 21 statistics show that they begin a drastic deformation period until they hit age 23 in which the frum community denotes them to the status of shidduch crisis statistic, or in general terms spinster. These once potential hot chanis are resigned to attempting sexy walks in short skirts and knee high boots, but just cannot pull it off without the sheitle, rather they become sluts.

Do you want to be just a tease? Or do you want to reclaim your dreams of being a hot chanie? Well, you first have to realize that you cannot get any guy, you’re old and washed up – but there is hope. Studies show that yeshiva rejects are very well paid individuals and that they love girls who used to be hot, they dress them up, buy them a Lexus SUV and send them on their way to sushi with their other wannabe hot chani, now sheitle hooker friends. Shidduch camp will get you back in your hot chani groove.

Never been on a second date: Fear not my little maidels you are not alone, in fact many girls come to us for precisely that reason. They can’t seem to take it beyond date one, many claim that they just know he is not the one, from the moment they open to door, they can pick out several things they just can’t live with, and right then and there it’s over. Rather than enjoy the date, they make it miserable and force the guy to order them pricey things because they figure they are never going to see him again.

For girls that have never been on a second date, we provide, fear tactics such as the blacklisting threat from distinguished shadchanim that simply don’t want to work with girls that have no chance of ever getting married. That’s right ladies, the most doomed case of the shidduch crisis is the never been on a second date, but we can change that.

I need to focus on my career: Little known fact, you are single because you are too focused on your career. That’s right ladies, our councilors will take you out of the gashmiusdicke working state of mind and put you back in the kitchen where you belong. We have been shocked at the rise of frum college educated girls, rises in attendance at Touro and Kingsborough Colleges directly correlate to the rise in single girls. They say that men are less likely to want girls that are more educated than them, in fact most men simply want a good girl from a good family, but rarely mention college. College doesn’t teach midos, and cooking skills.

This session is designed to teach you the art of making a living while staying home, basement photography studios, tznius clothing stores and mini challah bakeries are all worthy careers for the truly frum girl who is serious about marriage. Stop throwing valuable child rearing years away to PT, OT and Speech!

Damaged Goods: Did you spend a summer as a mother’s helper in the Catskills and hang out at Kiamesha Lanes on motzoi shabbos? Did you listen to secular music? Did you not attend bais yaakov for high school? Didn’t go to the right seminary? Used to wear denim?

Fear not, we can fix most of these problems. Did you know that marriage tends to bring forgiveness for all sins? Not only are you halachically forgiven on your wedding day, but studies show that the most rebellious girls, can simply get married, put on a sheitle and all of their antics are forgiven. Unfortunately some things are not fixable and we cannot accept girls into the program who are baalei teshuva, have parents that are baalei teshuva or siblings that are not frum – if you fall into one of these categories – we would suggest you look for a working guy or maybe a learner/earner if you’re lucky.