Why I love being an orthodox Jew

Once in a while I get a comment that asks me why I poke fun at orthodox Jews and Judaism when I can just leave the fold. Obviously these people don’t get me and are way too serious to be reading this site.  I am not trying to negative, I am tryiong to disect and analyze things from a humerous standpoint. They do say that one of the reasons the Jewish people have survived so long is because of Jewish humor and our ability to make fun of ourselves. With that in mind I compiled a list of the reasons why I love being an Orthodox Jew:

Mechitzas: I love looking over the mechitza, mixed seating in shul really takes all the fun away and people are so quiet at mixed seating shuls you can’t daven with random mumbles in the middle of your prayers. Figuring out ways to look over the mechitza without them seeing you is also real fun.

Community: If I wasn’t frum I wouldn’t be able to just call up random people and stay for shabbos, because I wouldn’t be keeping shabbos and wouldn’t need to make those calls. In what other community is there such a disregard for classes, where else can I be having a meal with some guy worth 100 million bucks – it just doesn’t happen in other places.

Shabbos Leftovers: Need I say more

Shalom Zachor’s: Do non-religious people have these things? They remind me of frum frat parties. Oh and if there’s an eruv they always have leftovers.

Shabbos: Probably my favorite thing about being an orthodox Jew, I starve myself Friday, fress on Friday night get all social at shul and get to stay in random communities. Besides for all of the resting, time away from the computer and good learning that goes down.

Pirkei Avos on Shabbos afternoon: I love those long shabbos afternoons when you learn pirkei avos during shalashudos.

Throwing candy: I am sure irreligious Jews do this, but I figured I would tell you that throwing candy at a bar mitzvah boy or an ufruf is off the da hook. I also enjoy seeing the women desperately trying to get their candy out of the women’s section.

Tzedaka: Dude, tzedaka freaking rocks, and don’t even get me started on those guys who can somehow afford a ticket from Israel to America but somehow can’t afford to feed pay for their daughters wedding – do you non-religious folks get to deal with this stuff? It’s really a lot of fun. Do they have pushka boxes in kosher style restaurants?

Chinese Auction Catalogs: Without Oorah and Chai Lifeline pumping thousands of dollars into Chinese Auction Catalogs what else would we have to read in the bathroom at random pizza stores in Brooklyn.

Chaverim: I am sure they will help you out if you aren’t frum, but I doubt you know about them. It’s like the AAA for frummies, but it’s all voluntary and donor supported.

Hatzolah: Sure those hocker guys that turn up their walkie-talkies to be cool when they show up late for mincha are annoying – but hatzolah rocks – and in the end does it really matter what the intent was of the few hockers that join it to be cool and run red lights on Ocean Parkway, Hatzolah kicks butt.

Tomchei Shabbos: Sure the food probably blows, but an organization that gives out free meals to needy families isn’t expected to have great food. Just another one of the amazing things to come out of the frum community.

Haredi Riots: Have you ever been to a Haredi protest or riot, they really a whole lot of fun. You should go, seriously, just run when they bring the water canons out and make sure you’re frum, Haredi riots are just another one of the advantages to being a frum male, sorry ladies.

Jewish community politics: Without community politics, those small town weekly newspapers would fail and no one would have anything to talk about at the shabbos table. It would also mean that there would be less places to daven, since most Jewish communal politics ends up in break away shuls.

Hot Chani: I like the fact that frum people can’t escape the evil of sexiness, I love the fact that you can be frum tznius and sexy. Although tznius is definitely a relative term in this case as is hot – since we haven’t found a term for the ugly hot chani’s as of yet.

Shomer Negiah: Sure it’s tough and no one really keeps it anymore, but the concept is awesome and if you could hold out, more power to ya. Think about special you’re wedding night will be if you kept shomer negiah.

Nidah: So you mean to tell me that even after I get married I can still sleep in my own bed? Wow, where do I sign up?

Mikvah Night: Seems like a good idea

Friday night mitzvah night: So that’s why we have cholent on shabbos day…

Lulav: Because every man loves waving a long branch.

Purim: You mean to tell me it’s a commandment to get drunk? I know that non- religious Jews also celebrate purim, but many of the more liberal crowd are anti-underage drinking and therefore they really don’t get to experience the true yeshivish purim.

The night after Pesach: If you don’t truly keep Passover, you will never really experience that first piece of chometz, especially if you spend a pesach with chabad.

Friday afternoon potato kugel: The frummer you are the more likely you are to serve really oily Friday afternoon kugel – even modern orthodox people tend to shun this amazing practice.

Quick Havdalah: We really don’t talk about this enough, but many Jews like to make Havdalah into an event and draw it out. They didn’t keep shabbos anyway, so what’s the difference if they decide to throw a little concert during havdalah, even NCSY does one of those ridiculously long havdalahs, while frummies tend to just bust out hamavdil and do havdalah at home.

Yarmulkes: Not really such a fan, but yarmulkes do work wonders for those suffering from hair loss, and that’s pretty cool.

Spodicks and Streimels: Who doesn’t want one, they are probably the pimpest Jewish item, besides a really cool esrog box.

Black Hats: As much as I hate the caste system which they have created and the stupidity that permeates the black hat community, I really think black hats rule, they height to all those short Jewish guys and look pretty slick when tilted to the side.

Knowing how to wear a suit: Being frum taught me how to put on a suit, why does it seem that whenever people outside of the frum world try to dress up they end up in khakis, blue shirt, red tie and a blue blazer?

Talmudic sex stories: I bet you they weren’t teaching kids in Solomon Shechter about Rav Huna hiding under his rebbes bed so he could listen to him having sex? Bia shelo kidarco anyone.

Rabbis talking about sex: I also bet that non-frum folks never got to hear words like “knew” and “relations” used to describe the “marriage act”.

Sternberg Hot Dog Story: Camp Ramah probably had the real thing, so they didn’t need to start yeshiva urban legends.

Catskills: There really isn’t anything quite like the feeling you get when you realize that the black spots on the road you nearly missed were in fact a family of Chassidim walking down the road in the middle of the night.

Dogs: If you aren’t frum, you have probably never got to see a bunch of grown adults running away from a dog.

Tznius clothing: It really does leave so much up to the imagination, and it allows the ladies to hide so much.

Vos Iz Neias: Have you ever read the comments? I highly suggest it.

Shidduch stories: Dating stories kind of suck, but shidduch stories are super interesting, because there is so much innuendo without ever actually mentioning anything.

Meeting the parents on shidduch dates: Have you ever sat down with the parents before taking a girl out? Probably one of my favorite parts of dating in the frum world.

Mussar: I really do like mussar, as unbelievable as that sounds. It makes me feel like crap, helps me improve and those little sets of chovos halivovos and misealas yeshurim are great for keeping in the car and impressing your friends who think you’re frei.

Crazy Baal Teshuvas: If you aren’t frum you never get to truly experience the flaming baal teshuva movement.

I am pretty sure that some of the above mentioned items could be had if I did leave the fold, which I never intend on doing. There are other more personal existential reasons, like God, Torah and all that jazz – but they aren’t that funny.

Do you have a list of reasons why you love being an orthodox Jew?