You know You’re a BT if…

You know you’re a BT if…

You say Baruch Hashem similar to the way people use the term ‘LOL’.

During viduy, you “clop” your chest hard enough to restart your heart.

When you bow for modiim it looks as if you are trying for a world record stretch.

You think that flushing the toilet on shabbos must be assur.

When the host doesn’t bring out mayim achronim, you inquire where it’s stored, get it yourself, and pass it around.

You wore a black hat before you kept shabbos.

You reprimand other girls for their lack of tznius.

You burned all of your non-tznius clothing.

You hate being labeled, so you call yourself chozer teshuva instead

You consider yourself black hat but vote Democrat.

When you shake people’s hands, you give a firm handshake and look them in the eye.

You take out a small loan when you buy your arba minim.

You actually take three steps back at the end of shemone esrei at which point your bows look like stage bows after a performance of Les Miserables.

You don’t admit that you grew up non-religious.

You have a mini kitchen in your room at your parent’s house

You talk constantly about the lack of a good education in the frum community.

When you try and say the word s’chach, it sounds like you are using profanity.

You wear a black velvet yarmulke with clips or bobby pins.

You cover up the TV in your living room with a sheet on shabbos.

You daven with a “Tehilas Hashem” even though you aren’t chabad

You eat fruits and vegetables during the week.

You have whole wheat challah and insist on cutting it even when it’s a “pullaway” challah.

Your 2nd grader reads Hebrew better than you do.

You really believe that you can eat double the amount on shabbos but won’t gain weight.

You use words like “empirical” and “existential” when talking torah.

You say tehilim during the chupa.

You don’t talk in shul.

You are polite at Kiddush, even in New York.

You put your napkin on your lap right when you sit down.

You send around mass text messages every week wishing everyone a “Gut shabbos”.

You send “thank you”  cards to people you stay with or in whose house you attend a meal (sidebar: if you want the in with people and for them to think highly of you I would highly recommend this).

You are really careful about nearly burning your hands off during the aish part of havdalah.

You thought that guitars and dancing to Carlelbach songs was part of the havdalah tradition.

You married your NCSY advisor.

You converted your really long hair into really long peyos.

You have an Israeli accent when you daven.

You are very active on ImaMother and send me emails whenever you see something crazy.

You used to be a vegan but couldn’t get a heter from the vegan folk for tefillin.

You have clapped after a speech in shul.

You have said tefilas haderech before taking drugs.

You wear techeles tzitzis and/or have ridiculously long strings.

Really thought at one time or another that the OR symbol on products meant “Orthodox Rabbis”.

Refuse to eat things that remind you of your treife days.

Throw your bread into the water at tashlich.

You have said asher yatzar after sneezing or vomiting.

As a man, you would never daven in the women’s section (when it’s empty).

You have some crazy midlife bris milah story.

You don’t take a shower during the nine days.

All of your divrei torah come from “Rabbi Frand on the Parsha” or similar type book.

You have a PhD but are a stay at home mom.

You don’t just kiss the torah, you make out with it.

You go into a panic attack if the bracha sheet is not there when you are called up for an aliyah.

You have a picture of the Lubavitcher Rebbe and Rav Shach on the same wall.

I know there are loads more…