Jews for Jesus are trying to convert me

Jews for jesusGuest post by STLsam

So, I was going to write about all my Jewish clients and the ways they judge me, black velvet on head, tzitzis out of shirt zz top beard on face pseudo-chabadnik yid with the world’s most pathetic set of payes. Maybe it will be a future guest post, because there are some interesting characters.

Such as the ultra-zaftig guy who always tells me, “I’m observant enough, I only eat lunch and dinner on yom kippur!” or the richest yid I know who is engaged to a shiksa 20 years younger than him (and ohhhh she’s a hotty, double shwing for all you Wayne’s World fans) and keeps asking me for advice on getting her converted so he can “shtup with impunity” (his words, not mine).

So yeah, you can see I get an interesting cross section of the secular/reform community, but I kept getting stuck on one group in particular. They are the Jews for J.C. crowd.

First off, I understand that J4J is a growing population, and there are a lot of them out there, but really? How many are there in my suburb of St. Louis? It seems like thousands have decided that Chesterfield Missouri is the place to live, and my bank is the place to open checking accounts.

Now, don’t get me wrong, business is business, and I’m glad to give them the best service I can, but they always, and I do mean ALWAYS, have to hakn a tshaynik about JC and how they came into J4J. See, this is where it gets interesting, after they ask me a million questions about my level of frumminess, they go into the EXACT SAME STORY.

“I was raised in an orthodox house and went to orthodox day school and had an uncle/grandfather/father/brother/mother’s high school roommate’s husband who was an orthodox rabbi, and I went to orthodox summer camps and yeshivah. And, I even spent a whole summer in Israel studying with orthodox rabbis. But, after all that, I found that the holy writings pointed straight to J.C. the whole time! Why don’t I give you my number and we can meet for lunch sometime?”

Sometimes they get pushy with “why don’t you give me your cell, home, and work number, and tell me what day’s you’re free to meet up for coffee and I can show you how J.C. completes all Jews.”

It gets hard to stay nice and remain firm sometimes. When I’ve declined for the eleventy millionth time, then they always run out to their car and come in with a stack of literature. I remember a video of the Rebbe taking a book from a J4J guy and telling him “I’ll take this, but only so you can’t give it to another Jew who might believe it.” But, I can’t get away with being that way with my clients.

But my big question is, what the hell is wrong with the orthodox community that all these frummy kids are growing up to be J4J????? I mean, seriously people, I know I haven’t been observant for that long, but really? REALLY???? Kids are getting this kind of upbringing and going that far off the derech into J4J land?

This question really bugged me until I talked to my cousin who is an XJ4JBT (lots of letters, I know. What a show off he is, right?). He asked me if I honestly thought the frummy community had this problem on this crisis level. Why is the shidduch crisis all the rage and the exodus to J4J crisis is summarily ignored? Now, I don’t want to say that ALL of these guys are lying, or that NONE of them had an orthodox background, but I will give this little exchange I had with one of these guys after I talked with my cousin.

Him: blah blah blah J.C. IS MOSHIACH blah blah blah ORTHODOX EVERYTHING blah blah blah I CAN HAZ UR FON NUMBR PLZKTHNX!!!!!!!!!
Me: orthodox background huh? Do you still do tefillin and chumush?
Him: oh yeah, I love the traditional foods! I eat them all the time!
Me: Uh…………… yeah, food is good…………..

So, what gives? Is it just me? Does anybody understand these people? Does anybody else have to deal with J4J on a weekly basis?

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