Sins that I would have committed in biblical times

fishing with MosesAnother guest post by my man Schwartzie – this is hilarious!

Aveiros that you, I, and nobody would have committed in the times of the Torah.

Aveira that you would have committed: Stay behind in Mitzrayim and get smitten in makas choshech.

Why: You had a comfortable job, and honestly, the cost of living is so high in Israel- you have to pay twice as much to buy the same name brands that you’re used to.

How it would have went down:

Hashem: Get ready to leave this place. I am removing you from your slavery in a blaze of glory and will escort you to the land of your fathers.

Moshe: Hear that guys? You have a week to get packed up. Everyone get the essentials- we’re going to be traveling a long way so don’t bring the kitchen sink- and meet me back here at the brick factory at, er, 3:00 on Monday. And don’t forget to use the facilities before we go, it’s going to be a long trip and we’re not stopping!

You: Um, excuse me…

Moshe: Yes?

You: About what you said earlier, about leaving this place with the blaze of glory and all….um, do we have to go? I know that we’re slaves and everything and that you guys put a lot of effort into planning this trip, it’s just that I’ve got this really great job as foreman in the brick factory, and my wife’s friends are all here, and the kids were just getting settled- I don’t want to take them out of school, you know…

Moshe: You know either 4 out of 5, or 49 out of 50, or 499 out of 500 people have been saying that to me lately-it’s a machlokes how many exactly. What’s with you people? Don’t you trust Hashem to guide you through the desert quickly and safely? We’ll cut right through the land of the Plishtim, be in Israel in a couple of weeks, tops.

You: Yeah, but the wife really…

Moshe: Fine. Stay here. See if I care.

Aveira that I would have committed: Slept with Midyanite women in Sheetim.

Why: Didn’t you read my last post about shiksas?

How it would have went down:

Moshe: What the hell is going on here!

Bystander: The Midianites are sending their women to our camp in order to seduce the men of IsraelĀ  that they might sway them to commit idolatry.

Midianite woman: Hey, sweetie, I like your glasses…

Me: Me? My glasses? Oh, thanks. They help with my astigmatism.

Midianite woman: They make you look smart. I bet you’re smart, aren’t you.

Me: Um, I try to be.

Midianite woman: (Giggles) You’re funny.

Me: It runs in the tribe.

Midianite woman: My ex-boyfriend just had no sense of humor at all. He was such a jerk. I dumped him because he used to hit me. Eventually I just said to myself, Stacy, you don’t have to take this any more.

Me: Oh, I see. I’m sorry.

Midianite woman: I’m so drunk right now! I don’t think I’m going to remember anything in the morning.

Me: Yeah, I sure am drunk myself. Whoa! I’m pretty drunk on alcohol…

Midianite woman: Let’s go back to your tent and talk.

Me: Boy, howdy!

Aveira that nobody would have committed: The chet ha’egel.

Why: We’re Jewish

How it would have went down:

Erev Rav: Hey! Moshe has been up there for 51 days! What’s takin him so long? I’ll bet he’s dead, and God has foresaken us, and we gonna die here in this desert. Let’s make us an idol and worship it, and thereby be saved.

Me: Hey, you guys are a-talkin my language. What’s it entail, this idol we’re talking about here?

Erev Rav: Well, it’s gonna be a calf, wrought of pure gold, see, and so we’re gonna need you guys to donate us some gold.

Me: Ha. Yeah, right.

You: What, are you nuts? My grandmother gave me this ring.