I’m going to date a shiksa

I’m Going to Date a Shiksa

By Schwartzie

If someone doesn’t hook me up quick, I’m going to date a shiksa. Twenty-six years I’ve been looking for my basheret, and not an ounce of help from anyone. No, I don’t make money- yet. No, I’m not particularly frum. I’m neither an earner nor a learner, apparently.I don’t volunteer at any gemilus chasadim type organizations. But is that all that a shadchan sees in a man? What about the fact that I can cook well, that I’m a good listener, that I’m smart and funny and lots of fun to be around?

It’s like I’m not allowed to flirt with the girls at my friend’s l’chaim and I can’t look over the mechitzah in shul, but I can’t get any girls the “acceptable” way because everybody’s holding out on me. In Crown Heights I’m not chasidish enough, on the Upper West side and Long Island I don’t earn enough, in Queens, it’s both.

So here’s the deal. If you guys keep helping the competition- I’m talking about the guys who already have no problem getting girls, because they’re tzadikim bnei tzadikim, or because they are fabulously well to do, then I’m taking my game elsewhere-. Not because I don’t believe in preserving the Jewish identity of myself and my children- I agree that assimilation is one of the greatest problems facing the Jewish people today. I’m gonna date a shiksa because I think that’s the only way to get through to you people. I know how you feel about intermarriage. It’s your Achilles’ heel. And when you see me with a blond girl on my arm, a shiksa- a promiscuous one- then I know you guys will be singing a different tune. Yeah, that oughtta light a fire under your asses.