Guide to Jewish newspaper advertisements

This post is a continuation of last weeks Guide to Jewish Newspapers

The advertising budget of the frum community is huge, just go to any right wing frum community and check out how many mini-magazines they have devoted solely to advertising and you can see for yourself. For those of you who have no idea what I am talking about – your community is obviously not frum enough.

Prior to living in Monsey, I had no idea about the proliferation of these small free frummy advertising zines, kind of like those free papers on the corner in Manhattan except these have no value whatsoever, well maybe you can use them as a havdalah candle wax catcher. Besides for these mini-magazines, most of the frum newspapers are 50% or more advertisements, with some having even more than that. Here is a guide to different frum ads that fill up these periodicals.

The New Yeshiva announcement: The first name must be Zichron, Bais or Ohr enter the blank – is announcing a ninth grade for the fall. Does your child not get the attention they deserve? Small classes and we even teach English. Has your child been kicked out of every yeshiva they attended? Our teachers and Rabbeim are world class. If they were why on earth would they be teaching at some no name, corner of residential avenue in Boro Park yeshiva, unless they are on the registered sex offender list.

Hot Chanie Sheitle ads: It seems like every other ad in the Jewish Press is devoted to hot women modeling sheitles that are buy one get one for 10% off. Some of the ads sound like buying a car, get a sheitle and get a free wash and set for a year. One of the reasons people from the chumra-dicke communities hate the Jewish Press so much is because of these supposedly untznius ads. Since when did a European woman modeling a sheitle with just her head visible become untznius? Real human hair, woohoo! Now what on earth are we going to do with all this leftover esrog hair? Check out this Guide to Hot Chanies!

Overpriced Yeshiva Dinner: I just recently found out that the entire yeshiva dinner system is a sham, I always wondered why these really yeshvish yeshivas were honoring such modernishe people at their dinners, and then someone told me I could probably donate a bunch of money to some place and get honored too, it may be good for business. These ads have to be full page, good to see your tzedaka money is going to support the Jewish newspaper industry, and they must be written in fancy script and have 2 couples they are honoring along with one widow. One of the couples is always Rabbi and Mrs. and the other Mr. and Mrs. (obviously the token modern orthodox donors of the new urinals to the right of the beis medrish entrance)

Certificate programs for girls: Contrary to popular belief, really frum girls don’t go to college, the more modern frummies go to Touro, or Kingsborough, but real frummies get a certificate in medical billing or graphic design or quickbooks. All over the land you can find these certificate programs, and at seminaries as well. This one girl told me once that the only reason she goes to Kingsborough over Brooklyn College is because at Brooklyn there are frum boys (yeshivish people call single men boys) that are shayich for her to marry so its untznius, while at Kingsborough everyone is black.

Suit Sale: These ads look exactly identical to those flyers that some “No speakie English” guy hands you while walking down the street in Midtown about a suit store going out of business that is selling 1000 thread count wool suits from Italy for $99. Now take a look at the full page ads for Wallachs or Ulltimatum, and tell me they don’t look cheesy, but at least you can get the Chosson, friend of chosson or I know a chosson package which includes two shirts a suit and a shabbos hat (are shabbos hats more streamlined and weatherproof for all the walking that you are doing?)

Drugs: Why half of the ads in Mishpacha magazine are for diet pills or other drugs is beyond me, but did you know that many of these are made by Heimishe companies (the kind that advertise for heimishe office ladies in the back of the Yated) all of these ads must be brightly colored, because that’s the closest they can come to 3 old women running through fields of dandelions and thankful that their bladders work once again.

Electronics: In the frum community refrigerators and washing machines are about as far into the electronics market as they go. If you take a look there really is only one frum electronics store and that is Buzz, while B and H is frum owned, its too professional and cheap to ever be really frum and besides they sell stuff banned by the yeshivish community.

Lease a Minivan: Every frum newspaper and magazine filled with ads has one of these wheels to lease ads, there is really nothing funny about it. Though if you look, it seems that every Brooklyn mechanic has a minivans dealership tucked into the corner of their lot.

Seminary programs: Sending your kids to Israel is also not too frum, the dangers there are many, including boys and high fat foods which both greatly reduce your value on the shidduch markets. So parents instead send their precious little future kollel wives to bais Yaakov seminaries with exciting arts program and certificates in medical billing.

Restaurant coupons: It seems that the crappier a restaurant is, the more coupons they give you. Take a look at the What Where When (Baltimore magazine with 50% advertisements and every story talking about how bad the shidduch crisis is getting and why Baltimore girls cant get dates) you will see a full page of “buy one get one” for Kosher Bite, otherwise known as the place for people trying to empty their systems prior to getting a colonoscopy.

Yeshiva Raffles: You can buy one ticket for $100 but if you spend $200 you get 34 tickets, WTF??? I entered one of these $100,000 raffles once, but felt I could have done better with my 100 bucks, I felt cheated, like I was only giving tzedaka to win, now I just do it anonymously by handing it to the rabbi of an institution I like or throwing it in a pushka.

Chinese Auctions: There nothing more materialistic then a Chinese auction, the catalogs themselves cost a bunch, and if we were really frum why would we need such china or shabbos lichter. That probably explains why you always hear of people donating the stuff back to the people they won it from. Shit, no one even knows what Oorah does besides give away cool stuff and have really annoying car scam, ahem, donation commercials. Its really fine, but I myself have qualms about getting stuff back for my tzedaka.

Women’s fashions: Since we are too frum you have to guess what these skirts and dresses would look like, because an outline of a woman without showing the actual woman is still too untznius. Ruchies fashions announces their annual sale, but one outfit and get a free wash and set of your sheitle. We also sell snoods, stockings and hats (stockings already sounds scandalous to me)

Kupat Ha’ir: These people must get a load of donations because they have these full magazines that come as pullouts that show photo ops with famous Rabbis putting money into their Kupat Ha’ir tzedaka boxes and casually looking away pretending not to be in a photography studio. I wonder if they pay these Rabbis to be part of the advertisement, they are like movie stars and they cost a lot, why do you think there aren’t more concert bans, these folks have to pay for signatures. I do like the stories though, all about how giving to Kupat Ha’ir saved someone’s life or helped them get a shidduch, I myself sometimes even believe them and feel like giving, but then the emotion vanishes within 30 seconds of reading it.

My daughter is getting married and I’m dirt broke: I met a fellow this past week who’s daughter was getting married and he couldn’t afford to pay for the wedding. I wanted to tell him that having a meal for 20 people and building a chupah out of 4 single gays and a talis doesn’t cost too much, but even the welfare crowd has to keep up with the Kotzkers, and so he somehow found enough money to pay for a ticket to American and hop around from city to city telling poor money strapped individuals that he wanted a 4 course wedding meal rather then a 3 course at the expense of them. These sorts of ads are all over the place, small ads telling of folks who don’t have the sense to use birth control and can afford to pay for Rabbis signatures on their crumpled up expired certificate that allows them free access into any wedding to beg for money.

Cheap Flights to Israel: Wow only $299 to fly to Israel on Elal and then while reading the paper in the bathroom later in the week you notice that in the smallest font available it says below the most amazing big black bold price you’ve ever seen that it doesn’t include $800 taxes and fuel surcharges. That my friend is the classic cheap flights to Israel ad.

Hotels: Go to some random hotel in Israel and get your 3rd meal free on the 6th day you stay, got to love Israeli hotel ads. Then you have the early bird specials for Pesach planning in the summer before next pesach. Then for the rich folks who can somehow afford a Rocky Mountain vacation in the middle of the summer you will be glad to know that we have SEPARATE SWIMMING ONLY, and on Pesach we would never have Gebrokts Chas V’shalom. Most hotel ads list two things, the amenities and what you cant do. Like heimishe this and we don’t allow that items.

I am sure I missed some, clue me in…