Am I the only one wondering what’s going on in the yichud room?

I wonder what is going on the yichud room? This is what I am thinking after the glass is smashed and we are finally ushered out of the chupa, my least favorite part of the wedding mostly because the women are usually too far away to stare out and it just takes too damned long. Unless you can get a plate of smorgasbord food into the chupa room it usually become a time to think of trivial things like “I wonder if they fooled around much before the wedding” or “do they have enough time for a quickie in the yichud room?”

I just cant help my thoughts especially at really religious weddings, I know that orthodox Jews don’t have sex through sheets unless they want to get all kinky and try it out, but I wonder how it goes down when they go from not being able to touch at all to full blown sex. Do they get all nervous or do they jump on each other?

The yichud room is the first time they could actually get it on and you are not supposed to talk about it. I always found religious weddings awkward in that way because religious people never talk about sex, but what are the parents of the two people who just got married thinking when the couple emerges from the yichud room? I know that most couples fast on the day of their wedding so instead of stuffing kishke they are eating it, but still my mind wonders.

It then wonders to the wedding night, will it be like those jokes about people who think that sex requires you put your penis in their belly button or your head in the toilet? Will they even consummate the marriage? Am I the only sick dude who is thinking about this stuff? Am I the only one with the urge to get up scream “dude your gonna get laid” during the chupa? Am I the only thinking its awful strange to live your whole life with this view that women are the evil inclination and then to one day just be allowed to succumb (no pun intended) to the yetzer harah?