Judging people by the food they serve for shabbos

Frummies are huge into kugels, it seems like anything can be considered a kugel nowadays, cranberry apple pie or cobbler has even been changed to reflect the frummy kugel culture. Potato kugel must be oily, if you do not feel your heart slow down its obviously not a frummie kugel and may have been made by modern orthodox people and brought over as a gift – in which case your shabbos host is obviously not that frummie because they trust people who don’t wear black hats and may even wear colored yarmulkes.

Frummies also love to serve dark meat chicken, its as if to make up for all their racist banter they conceded and said they will only have dark meat chicken on shabbos. If they have white meat it’s always in the form of schnitzel. Frummies rarely serve meat, if they do it is usually smothered in some sort of generic barbeque sauce that always separates from the oil used.

You can also tell you are eating at a frummies house by the fact that the cholent is almost always made by the man of the house. Its as if women are banned from cholent making, in more modern homes the man never cooks which is a bit odd considering the feminism aspect involved.

Modern people love color at their shabbos tables while frummies say that anything besides for brown and shades of white or yellow is untznius and too out of the box. Think about it, the most colorful thing on any frummie table is the chrain, and once in a while a salad. But even frummie salads are nothing to write home about. Soggy lettuce with soaked in soap strawberries, over ripe mango slices and if your lucky, craisins. But modern orthodox people being the apikorsim that they are serve things like spinach salad with cherry tomatoes (frummies rarely use cherry tomatoes because of their price) and balsamic vinaigrette – another thing not found in many frummie households. Modern people also use real broccoli, not the frozen kind like the frummies, but I am not sure those modern folks will be happy when they get up to the beis din shel maala to find out that they got 6 lavim for every bug hidden in the broccoli florets.

For some reason frummies love corn salad, but thank God for modern orthodox folks who discovered something called bok choy which I guarantee you will never find at a household full of black velvet yarmulke wearers.

In general frummies shy away from vegetables, high cost, the time it takes to get all the bugs out, untznius colors and the health of them all factor in to this decision. Certain vegetables are allowed however and do make their way into frummie shabbos meals. Potatoes are a favorite, roasted in oil, hidden in cholent and sliced up and put into kugel – wow I sound like bubba gump shrimp guy explaining how many ways to eat shrimp.

However, Frummies will never eat any of the following vegetables unless forced to by some white yarmulke wearing host who swears he washed them 22 times, shows them the bodek packaging, and informs the guests that he speaks Yiddish fluently and approves of banning women. Non frozen broccoli, strawberries, asparagus, or romaine lettuce – frummies favor bagged dole iceberg lettuce that has no taste besides for those little slivers of red cabbage. Frummies also never serve cooked peppers, but love to put green peppers into salad and mushrooms as well – see I gave em something.

Modern people love being anti-conformist and serving different soups than the traditional chicken with the pupick. I have noticed gazpacho, lentil and cabbage becoming popular in recent years. Even frummies have been getting progressive and serving veggies with their soup, some even put grains like barley inside, such a shonda.

I should make mention that frummies love making parve ice cream that tastes like ices. They love gramcracker crusts and they love serving chocolate cream pie – while modern orthodox people suck in the desert department and tend to serve fruit and chocolate cakes which never match up to the trans fat filled frummie deserts.