Have you ever said something so stupid you wanted to disappear?

There are times in my life that I laugh at now but weren’t very funny when I lived them, loads of awkward moments have come and gone throughout my life and here are several of them.

I absolutely hate bathrooms with an echo, I can imagine how women who cant really aim feel, but what if you have to take a huge dump and the bathroom is right next to the dining room? This has happened multiple times to me, but rarely has it happened with people I am not close with, people I am close with would just scream insults at me between forkfuls of chicken salad, but when it happens at people you are just eating with once it royally sucks.

My most vivid memory is praying to God while locked in a large echo filled bathroom in a family who used to live in Rochester’s house. The family was quite proper so when I felt the noises flowing from my tuchus I just sat there bracing for it. I could see through the door at the people trying to eat the corner pieces of kugel in order to save my soul by crunching on the burnt noodles that congregate at the corner of the pan. It was loud and it sucked, I walked out of the bathroom pretending to be cool, but really I wanted to get the hell out of there.

A few days after 9-11 I was sitting in a coffee shop with a buddy of mine studying, his friend from Albania was in the coffee shop too and she sat with us chatting. Obviously the talk vered towards 9-11 and I basically said that Muslims scared the bejeebers out of me. Had I been a little more knowledgeable I would have realized that Albanians are white Muslims. My desperate pleas for support from my friend were met with “sucks for you” eyes as I watched the hot Albanian chick turn her face and walk away, I tried apologizing but it was too late.

Another similar situation happened at a poker game I used to attend in Rochester, I am not the poker type but it was entertaining and I always lost all my money – which never amounted to much. One time I was sitting there and I asked the table if they knew about the one armed man at work and wondered if he could roll a joint one handed.

Someone kicked me under the table and another person just clenched their teeth and gave one of those stop while your ahead constipated looks. I looked around and repeated, “don’t you know the guy with the stump” multiple times until everyone was silent. Directly across from me this kid with lobster hands was dealing the cards. He looked me right in the eye and said “Yes I could roll with one hand” I was mortified but luckily he was very chilled and everyone else found it hilarious at how stupid I looked.

Yet another time I was sitting at this kollel family in Rochester and I made some sort of joking comment about black people, it wasn’t racist or anything, it was just off color. Normally it would have been fine, but I looked up and noticed Louis the local black ger of the community sitting there with this look of anger on his face. I remember everyone laughing their asses off including the Rabbi and his wife, they had two reasons to laugh – the joke and my horror striken embarrassed face.

Just this past Saturday night we were making havdalah at chabad and someone mentioned a Sunday morning shiva davening, perhaps one of my stupidest moments was when I said to the guy (unknowing it was his sister who had died) that I wonder of there will be food there. I felt like a dumb ass and have been avoiding chabad.