I didn’t write down all of them but I was thinking about how every out of town community has a Jewish car mechanic and an Israeli handyman, so I decided to compile a list of people that out of town communities or shuls should have. Its not comprehensive by any means – and I am sure I will see in the comments multiple people being added.
30 Characters every out of shul/community should have:
The Jewish Mechanic:
Why does every out of town community have the token Jewish mechanic, every city in upstate New York has one. Oh and for some reason they are always the type never to talk to you outside of their shop, you see them in shul and you have nothing to say but under the hood they talk lots.
The Israeli Handyman:
There is always some dark Israeli guy to call when your pipes burst in the winter, he knows everyone and he never wears a yarmulke, and his name is usually Duvid, and he always has a hot wife for some reason.
Is it just me or do out of town communities always have a known alcoholic that no one really talks about but everyone knows about. These guys are usually single and sometimes even live with their parents, they always get gelila too.
The Old Single Chick:
If you are a Jewish community worth your salt you need to have at least once old single girl, she has dated every one of the older single guys (there are always more single guys than girls) and she is either a really nerdy low wage earner or some high powered corporate player.
The Yeshivish guy who teaches in the modern school:
Ever walk into a modern shul and realize there is someone who appears to be a little too black hat for the shul? In Dallas there are a couple of guys who teach at the modern school but due to community politics have to daven at the modern shul.
The Arrogant Prick:
Every shul needs one of these and in out of town communities he is that one frum rich guy who wont donate a cent to the yeshiva – mostly due to politics and power issues. He has to walk with his nose in the air and wear really tight collared shirts which make his neck pour out of the sides like women and their muffin tops.
The boiler lighter:
Every shul has that guy that in yeshiva would have been the key guy, he is in charge of locking up the shul, turning on the heat and chasing out birds that may have flown in – he has to be single and old or a young newlywed hocker.
The Bow Tie guy:
Every out of town community has a guy that only wears bow-ties.
The Cowboy Hat guy:
In Texas its regular, but every time I visit a new community people always tell me I have to meet this crazy guy who wears a cowboy hat to shul.
The mussar giver:
Talking in shul, not on time, reading something else besides the chumash during laining, or a host of other things will get you mussar from the mussar guy – really he is usually just an annoying prick who cant mind his own business, but shul life calls for him to shut up the shul talkers.
Theres that one guy who davens at every shul including chabad, gives money to every school and attends bar mitzvahs at the conservative shul. This guy is the type to wear a gray hat if the situation calls for it even though he probably wears a kipah srugah.
The Guy with the hot wife:
No I’m not talking about the local chabad shliach, that’s a given. But there’s always that one guy with the hot wife.
Every community needs a Milf, it’s the facts of life, if you don’t have one your community sucks.
The Yeshivish Wannabe:
He uses words like mimala, maalos, and grada – yet he davens in a modern orthodox shul and wears the neutral black knitted yarmulke. He probably learns with a yeshivish guy and knows a lot but he will be resigned to a life of modern orthodoxy as he doesn’t want to give up television and low mechitzas.
The Talmud Girl:
Ever show up to the Rabbis gemara class to find a woman sitting there joining in? Ever notice that they rarely say these classes are for men? That’s because they never expect a woman to show up – in out of town communities there is always the woman that knows more than the rabbi.
I wish I could tell the stories, but lets just say there is always one guy usually a frummy trying to be chummy with the college kids who likes to point out how hot his 14 year old daughters friends are. If only they banned predators from Kiddush.
The Head Shakers:
Ever notice during the rabbi’s speech that there is always someone shaking their head, this is an official person in the shul, he has to disagree with whatever the rabbi says and constantly complain to his friends about how the old rabbi was so much better.
The kid passers:
Why does every modern shul have that one couple that must pass kids over the mechitza, don’t they realize that if the kid falls it will be impaled by the mechitza post, they have barbed wire on those walls for a reason.
The Anim Zemiros Pimp:
The guy who gets kids to do anim zemiros and adon olam is always some random guy usually from South Africa or the token sephardi guy who rounds up the kids and gives them a pep talk about voice level and such. This guy is never the gabbi or aliyah caller upper.
He doesn’t actually have to be a professor but he is that guy who always wears brown, or corduroy and he loves those sport coats with patches – many times he also happens to be that guy in shul who is really left wing but still davens at the right shul. You know those folks who are really learned and come to every class and shiur but still march at the gay pride parades.
This isn’t necessarally for out of town communities, but in out of town places the Yenta is the one who is responsible to dish out juicy gossip and give all everyone mussar at the same time. For instance whenever my hair gets a little lengthy I am told by the Yenta that I will never find a wife, then I get chastised for living in an out of town place because I will never find a wife and then she starts yelling at me about how she heard I never make it to shachris. Go to Kiddush early and you can be sure the Yenta is part of the sisterhood and Kiddush bouncer crew making sure no one, not even 25 year old guys can see what the chopped liver molds look like.
The Single Dad:
Such a shame, but my dad was one of these and in every community I have ever lived in there has been that guy who was single with some kids – everyone felt sorry for him so us young single guys would always wind up at a meal with him, and it was double as bad if his wife had died.
The Lubavitch Wannabe:
Obviously Chabad is full of them, but in regular old shuls there is always that one guy or girl who wants to be chabad but jjust doesn’t want to walk the extra mile.
The Ex-Yeshiva Reform Rabbi:
For some reason many out of town reform rabbis went to Torah Vodaas, can someone explain this to me? And the frummer rabbis are friendly with him and learn together but will never step foot in his shul.
The Hot Daughter:
Once in a while you notice someone you never noticed before and realize that not in is she smoking hot, she actually lives in your town. You lean over to your friend and find out she just finished college or seminary and begin to scheme on how to get invited over to her families house for lunch.
The guy who’s married to a non-Jew:
What your community doesn’t have one of these? The Yenta loves it.
Do you think shuls just randomly start singing Anim Zemiros to the tune of hatikva randomly? Even in black hat shuls, in out of town there has to be that one Zionist, the guy who gets up to the amud in a predominantly black hat shul (sounds like a black Baptist church doesn’t it?) and davens everything ending in a “tuf” and not a “suf” He also loves to fight with others about saying hallel on Yom Haatzmaut.
The guy who wears a gartel:(without a hat)
Been noticing this more and more lately, regular guys wearing gartles and ties and no hat, let alone up hat or bekishe.
The yeshivish Sephardim:
Maybe I am just privy to this because in out of town places they are anomalies, but in almost every community I have lived in there was that one frummie family that happened to be Sephardim, which many people aren’t used to.
The sweater wearer:
Every community should have this guy that refuses to wear suits and only wears sweaters, in the summer he wears a vest or just a short sleeved shirt.
The Breakaway rabbi:
If your community doesn’t have at least one rabbi who broke away and made his own shul or day school or yeshiva, it just cant be such a vibrant community. Dallas’s Jewish community appears to have been taken over by the anti-trust people that helped Bell Telephone break up – because every institution broke away from somewhere else.
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