The differences between modern orthodox and frummie weddings

With the recent push to the right, modern orthodoxy is beginning to look like black hat Judaism, luckily its not too crazy yet and you still have distinctly modern orthodox weddings and yeshivish or frummie weddings. Even though many black hats wind up at modern orthodox weddings due to the brainwashing tactics of Yeshivas in Israel, one can instantly tell they are at a modern orthodox event and here is why.

Differences between modern orthodox and frummy weddings:

At Yeshivish weddings most of the young people are friends with their own sex, meaning it is quite rare for a yeshivish girl or guy to invite their friends or have friends of the opposite sex show up at the wedding – its almost unheard of.

At modern weddings you will usually find more men on the Kallahs side chowing down then on the chossons side, while at yeshivish weddings it’s the opposite.

At Yeshivish weddings they always have more food at the chossons tish than at modern weddings, the booze at yeshivish weddings is usually better because people usually bring their own because people are generally poorer.

At Modern weddings you can understand who is being called up to the chupah to make a bracha, at yeshivish weddings they have to do it in scary Yinglish or they get fired, oh and they have to add a lot of suffixes to the names of everyone – why isn’t rabbi good enough? Now its Harav, Morah Dasra, Shlita, Gaon and a bunch of other namexs that remind me of those nutritionists in the Jewish Press that must put 10 initials to prove they are qualified to tell you not to eat after 6pm.

Yeshivish weddings rarely have any strapless gown types who have husbands with the husbands in the white yarmulkes that look like tents. Modern weddings never have as many shnorrers as yeshivish weddings – maybe because Teanack and Marina Del Ray aren’t easy to get to from the airport.

Modern weddings always have a reception, and I am not talking about soggy broccoli salad and lettuce with mangoes and strawberries. Yeshivish weddings rarely have real bars.

Women rarely say tehilim at modern weddings, at yeshivish weddings its huge. At both types of weddings the chupa is separate seating.

Have you ever noticed a man learning a sefer at a modern wedding? Well maybe that one holier than thou cousin who thinks the mechitza is too short. At frummie weddings there are always a couple of guys learning instead of dancing – what’s up with that?

Modern wedding benchers never say simchas nisuin – and yeshivish benchers never have English on them.

Modern weddings tend to use movable objects like plants as mechitzas, but yeshivish weddings use bulletproof walls to block the action out.

At black hat weddings the hall saves on cleaning expenses because no one uses their knives or napkins on the men’s side, on the women’s side the girls tend not to eat.

The main course at frummy weddings always sucks – unless they are rich – in which case it never compares to the smorgasbord. Modern weddings always have better food and never serve cholent – frummie weddings have schnorer tables and crashers – I have crashed modern weddings but its rarely done.

At frummie weddings you may find someone sitting in your seat eating your half eaten food, while at modern weddings that would never happen – even my casual asking “if your gonna eat that” gets looks.

If a woman with her hair uncovered shows up at a frummy wedding it’s the talk of the town. I remember a few years back at my yeshiva dinner one of my old friends wives wasn’t covering her hair and it was an instant loshon harah festival.

At frummie weddings the guy is always shuckeling underneath the chupa, at modern weddings he isn’t, but I have noticed that they still wear kittels.

Woman don’t drink or admit they are drinking at frummie weddings, even though I always get asked by women to get them a drink – is it untznius for women to drink?

At the end of modern weddings after all the older guests have left the younger guests may have mixed dancing or all go out to a club or something, at frummie weddings they go home and log into facebook to tag pictures, or wish people the zoche to build a bayis neeman byisroel on only simchas.

At modern weddings no one ever says im yirtza Hashem by you!

At modern weddings the guests are way better dressed then at Yeshivish ones. There are always a bunch of men in blue sport coats and khakis who keep picking up their yarmulkes that have fallen off.

The shtick at frummie weddings is always better and people are always drunker adding to the excitement.

At frummie weddings you always the official wedding shadchun who is usually an annoying old hag who only wants to set up the wealthy guys and best looking girls. At modern weddings people make actual introductions – they don’t do it meat market style.

At frummie weddings I am always the only one wearing a non-white shirt.

Modern orthodox people don’t do those frummie tap dances with the twirling hands.

The girls always wear way too much makeup at frummie weddings, and they are almost always married.

Modern orthodox Jews cannot dance Jewish style, but I do love the yaish dance.

Frummies never give away yarmulkes at weddings because velvet cost too much and they would never give suede which is the official Jewish wedding yarmulke material.

Has anyone ever been to a frummy wedding where anyone wore a tux?

Other wedding posts:

My first wedding posts ever

Eliot and Amys crazy bucharian wedding

Lubavitch weddings without smirnoff suck

My fathers wedding

This wedding had a berlin wall for a mechitza

Why don’t frum men wear wedding rings?

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