An Ignorant Ashkenazic guy makes fun of Sephardim

And you think Obama is part of Al Quieda?

I have gotten many complaints over the years about my lack of posts dedicated to making fun of sephardim. My response is always the same, first of all I am white, second of all I have no chest hair, my name isn’t Dudu and I don’t pronounced my “CH” like I have a mothball stuck in my throat while hocking a loogie. I also grew up in a predominantly asheknzaic area and my exposure to sephardim was limited to a few key events such as eating at pizza stores in New York which are run by a racket of price fixing sephardic guys who speak in Hebrew and Russian with a English-Spanish Hybrid which they use to boss their illegal immigrant pizza makers around and to repeatedly ask the same person in line if they are being served by saying “whatdoyouwant” really fast in Spanglish.

I remember hearing about the brown Jews who wore white talesim and smelled bad from other people. I remember hearing about this elusive group of Jews that were all orthodox even though the women dressed in extremely tight vein constricting jeans and the men never wore yarmulkes outside of shul.

As I grew older I became more exposed to this clan of Jews, my shul on the upper west side was strapped for cash so they rented out the weekday shul to a bunch of Yemenites who used to sound like a bunch of dying Muslim cows on their way to slaughter when they lained, they would also lain uncelus which I had always thought was Rashi’s uncle Louis. Turns out that the head of that congregation struck it rich when he decided to open up an authentic hold in the wall falafel joint on the upper west side which wreaked of Sephardim – not in a smelly way, just in the way that any place open till 4 in the morning patronized by after hours singles and grimy looking unshaven brown folks who seemed to be born in a falafel joint with a cigarette hanging from their lips.

Then I went to high school and it all changed, I finally got to live in close proximity to authentic Sephardim, the Sephardim on the upper west side are kind of like the token black guy in movies or the Asian guy in Starbucks ads, they are classic out of place Sephardim that find the one guy that speaks Hebrew or Arabic in shul and sits with his arm around him talking really loudly about other people on the last bench (I always think Sephardim are talking bad about Ashkenazim when they meet each other in an ashkenazic shul)

As I was saying high school put me in touch with real Sephardim, or as reall as you could be in a yeshiva environment far removed from the works of the Ben Ish Chai and the Baba Sali. We had several Bucharians, Syrians and Moroccans who wore those white talesim and were mistaken to be Spaniards by the locals. I remember several things about this group of tough outcasts, they all wore wife beaters, loved beating each other up and listened to the worst Israeli techno you could find, they were also the only 14 year old boys I knew that could grow a full beard in 3 days.

As I grew older I learned more and more about Sephardim, I learnt that the women are smoking hot but the men are all fat, bald and short by the age of 50. I learned that there is such a thing as a white Sephardic person such as fellow blogger Jacob Da Jew, I also found out that besides for the pizza and falafel business Sephardim were involved in diamonds, car services and handymen businesses. I also found out that every out of town place has to have the token Sephardic home improvement maven, whos wife teaches Hebrew at the local day school.

I have dated some Sephardic girls and they all introduced to me to hairy women – just joking – they introduced me to kibbe, meat pies and my hatred for cilantro (I know its cusk but I cant stand it) I also found out the Sephardic women are tough cookies, I like them for that reason and that they like nice cars.

Later on in my Sephardic education which was never really any good judging from the pathetic ignorance of this post I discovered that Sephardim were like ashkenzaim, I always used to think that once you pronounced “Chachum” like Hachum you were part of some secret club that drank Arak and longed for the old days before the Shah, but then I found out that there was strife, similar to that of the Ashkenazim accept it wasn’t based on the color of yarmulke you were and whether or not you had a white tablecloth on shabbos or Shabbat, it was more cultural like the Syrians or SY’s as they are called didn’t like the Iranians or the Bucharians had beef with the Iraqi’s – not really sure what the inner fighting’s are I just know they exist. Maybe it has to do with the pizza price fixing racket.

The first Sephardic wedding I attended was in Detroit and I was disappointed because my friend a very brown Egyptian married a very white Ashkenazi girl without any facial hair, the only thing Sephardic about the wedding was when I asked the father what he felt about the interracial couple he responded that his daughter needed a good beating every month or so – wow there’s a real stereotype, do Sephardic men really beat their wives? Or is that just an Ashkenazi libel made to make us feel better? Oh and why on earth do Ashkenazi Jews hold of the Shulchan Aruch if he was Sephardic?

As you can see I am a very ignorant unknowing Ashkenazi Jew who knows absolutely nothing about the Sephardic community. In fact I bet you many people feel exactly like I do, I kind of wish I knew more so I could write about it. One trip to Forest Hills or Pico Robertson just isn’t good enough for really making fun of them.

Now for the kicker, if anyone could write something for me to post up here that can mnake fun of the Sephardim from and insiders perspective then I would love ya for it because I feel bad for the Sephardim who read my blog, a blog devoted to white Ashkenazim that never even mentions those weird brown dudes with the white talesim.

Sephardim also eat this cake-like food called Ka’ak which is pronounced like the slang for penis.

Stay tuned for sephardic facts, questions I have about sephardim and an interview of a real live sephardic Jew…

I would say its sephardic week but I always change my mind mid week.