Christmas Thoughts

If you are offended when people wish you a merry Christmas – I can guaruntee that this post will offend you. You have been warned, enjoy!

I went to Wal Mart tonight only to be turned away because it was closing, I felt like they were a bunch of Anti-Semites for not keeping it open for those of us who do not celebrate Christmas. Wait isn’t Wal Mart the one’s who made a “Happy birthday Hitler cake”?

I was thinking about new chumras that can be made in honor of Christmas or shall I say Chrotzmas or Xmas. If someone really wants to show that they are not acknowledging the existence of Christmas – how can they take advantage of holiday parking rules in New York City, I propose that all Jews should move their cars like it were a normal day.

I didn’t know this until last year, but many shuls will daven shachris at a regular time due to the nature of not acknowledging Christmas as a holiday. Dallas doesn’t adhere to those rules, and in Dallas they are so progressive that all of the shuls have special shiurim and breakfasts in honor of the holiday.

Do any of you celebrate Christmas? Do you eat Chinese food? – I think this is just a secular Jewish thing. Do you think attending a matzo ball is the right way to go about it – seems like it’s just another excuse for Jews to party. Thousands of years of persecution at the hands of the Christians, screw it, lets party.

Do you really get offended when people say “merry Christmas” to you? Sounds a little childish to me, its not like they are saying – accept our lord as your savior or burn in hell! Besides it makes me feel that even though I am wearing my tzitzis and yarmulke these people can’t tell a Jew from a Buddha. I always respond with merry Christmas or merry chaunkah – either or works for me.

What do atheists do on Christmas? Is it like the Jewish way of celebrating by having atheist matzo balls? Maybe they have atheist chagigas? Do they celebrate with the intention of only celebrating the secular irreligious aspect of Christmas – which is basically everything – who the hell goes to church on Christmas anyway?

Christmas songs vs. Chanukah songs = Christmas wins by far, I don’t see Frank Sinatra doing Chanukah songs, what about some Chanukah oldies – like that song “it was a miracle a nase to remember a miracle come true”? The only bad thing about Christmas songs besides for the fact that stores start playing them in October and they don’t stop for 5 months is that when you do want to hear classics like Jingle Bells Rock and Rocking Around the Christmas Tree you have to wait a full year, similar to the Monster Mash song.

Did the Christians really copy Chanukah or did these two “similar” holidays just randomly happen at this time?

I wonder how white bearded frummies react to the multitudes of kids stopping them and asking of they are Santa Clause – can someone tell me what on earth Jesus has to do with Santa Clause – they are almost contrarian – the fat and jolly gift giver vs. the emaciated hippy who took some bad acid. They aren’t even from the same region – Santa is definitely from the north and Jesus was a Mediterranean fellow.
Did any of you Jewish folks who grew up in secular environs actually celebrate Christmas, besides for celebrating the tradition of deforestation and rampant consumerism what is the difference between Thanksgiving and Christmas?

And for you folks that used to celebrate Christmas but do not anymore, how on earth do you un-celebrate such an event. I am sure you saved loads of money, and you probably saved one more tree from its eventually resting place as a woodchip pile near a city bike path. Do you still buy people Christmas presents.

I know I am going to get bashed for this but Christmas reminds me of Yom Kippur, its basically the climax of a month long event and then its over – that’s how I feel after Yom Kippur – I always think – wow that’s it??? The Muslims have something right – they do 40 freaking days – then its over.

Besides for over playing of Christmas songs by adult contemporary radio stations the most annoying aspect of Christmas are those darned Salvation Army bell ringers, do you know how badly I want to pay them to shut up – they are kind of like that mime on ben yehuda whom you have to pay to do an act – well maybe not because it seems like they never shut up.

Where on earth did the tree come from? Is this a hotly debated minhag amongst Christian scholars, is there such a thing as Christian scholars who debate trivial things such as this or whether or not you can drink eggnog before or after putting the gifts under the tree. Are there any other Christmas minhagim? Like do the charedi Christians get spruce instead of fir trees? Or do some people get bushes (not including the Chanukah bush crowd) instead of trees citing the halacha of not being to gaivadik.

What does the Christmas seuda consist of is it similar to Thanksgiving? I noticed that Empire turkeys were on sale tonight, I was wondering of the sale coincided with erev Christmas on purpose. Do people actually drink eggnog, because it looks gross and for some reason I always think its just a cold creamy version of egg drop soup – ironic because the Chinese are notoriously anti-Christmas, or maybe they just put that out there so the Jews will eat in their restaurants during Christmas. Wait does this mean that dry cleaners are open on Christmas? (My non-politically correct father called the cleaners – “the Chinamen”)

You could be judged on how you refer to Christmas, do you say Chrotzmas or Xmas or just go on ignoring all of the Chassidishe guys dressed in bright red (untznius for a woman, just right for a man on purim) I have noticed that the frummies love using any form of Krotzmas, Krochsmas or as Yinglish as possible to reference it.

What on earth do man hating feminists do on Christmas? I am talking about those women that spell womyn without the use of “men” in the word. Do they have their own lady Santa Clauses similar to the way some women become rabbis, wait maybe the women Santa Clauses are all those girls that drank the havdalah wine as kids and could therefore grow a beard.

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