You know you want to keep negiah, but the test is too much. You know you can only hold out for so long until your likely to mess up. In your head you begin to justify, maybe by asking yourself if God really wanted us to suffer so much by having all this pent up sexual energy with nowhere to go, or maybe its not really halacha and only a whacked out rabbinical decree from the middle ages, but whatever it may be, you are likely to mess up bad against your will at some point, I know I have been forced into all sorts of unwanted situations.
Instead of justifying all of your premarital touching, why not create some loopholes for touching before marriage and be off the hook, from the supposed wrath that you will incur according to books like Path of the Just and The Light of Efraim.
Shomer Negia Loopholes:
1. Skinny Dipping:
You can always take your women skinny dipping, just make sure you bone up on your basic hilchos needa before you attempt to check for chatzitzas. This is a great way to bypass the whole complicated system of trying to get into a mikvah before your married, while adhering to the strictest possible halacha. Well, almost strictest possible, because you may have to see your women without clothing on while she dunks to make sure she is fully under, and this clearly violates the rules of tznius.
2. Do it Gemara Style:
That’s right, why don’t you pretend that you are using Bia (sex) as your marriage contract like the old days. Of course you aren’t getting married and make sure not to say anything about ‘harei at mikudeshes lee’ then you may be in big trouble.
3. Cover Your Hair:
Negia is as much a public statement as it is a private one, so if you want to do some public necking or be able to sit together at an MBD concert or on a Monsey Tours bus, make sure to get all your bangs into your snood, or tichel, sheitles are way too expensive and uncomfortable for random breaking of negia.
4. Mikvah Hopping:
You may infiltrate a neighborhood to do the Jewish version of trick or treating and its called sukah hopping, essentially going to people you don’t know in search of free stashes of sour sticks and super snacks. So why cant this be done with regards to mikvahs, I understand that they don’t give food at mikvahs, but throw sheitle on and read up about peoples mikvah experiences on Calm Kallahs and your ready for your first mikvah run. It’s a great way to get laid without all the guilt and you can practice for when its time for the real deal. I hear they even hae these spa mikvahs with free massages now, so what’s to lose.
5. Get a Heter:
Money can buy anything, just take a look at all the corrupt cop movies. So Heterim are not like cops, but Rabbis and Cops are kind of the same, upstanding citizens with tayvas like the rest of us. I am sure you can get a heter for premarital touching if you looked hard enough. I would suggest going to one of the new sectors of Judaism, you know the flavor of the week, Humanistic, Renewal, or even the Avi Weiss brand of Open Orthodoxy, which seems like an even more left wing albeit philosophical version of Upper West Side Orthodoxy. Just tell them about the scene in the movie Holy Land where the bochur cannot concentrate on his studies and his Rebbe tells him to go to a far away land and get it out of his system with a whore, far away land was Tel Aviv eve though he was in Binei Brak and at the end of the movie when he decides to do teshuva the bochur gets blown up in a terrorist bombing, yes kind of ironic- but site that source and heterim may be given.
6. She’s Your Sister:
Abraham did it, theres no reason not to follow our forefathers and bust out the sister move, only in this case its not to keep your wife against some perverted older single guy at shull, but to allow the public display of affection. Only problem with this is that in ultra orthodox communities touching your sis may be as bad as getting a lap dance at Scores. Oh and this should be used strictly for public touching like holding hands or sitting next to each other, of course if you take it to the extreme, like that scene from Ferris Buelers Day Off where he picks his girlfriend up and pretends he’s her dad and they make out, well then your liable for cherem due to incest, unless your amongst ultra orthodox sects that are inbred.
Classic anti-shomer negia literature, like the Guide to Touching Without Actually Touching will bring up great ideas like wearing gloves and clothing to make your dry-humping experience 100% in a non-glatt sort of way. Get your self a space suit for some interesting Shomer Negia roll play, maybe some Rabbi and Rebetzin outfits as well.
8. Become a Lesbian:
This ones for ladies only, certain cities I the Midwest were known for their frum girl lesbian make out sessions. This one may actually be kosher on paper, though I am sure the folks in the ladies section do not want a make out session during Adon Olam, you may be able to get away with this. I can assure you it will hurt and help your shidduch ratings at the same time. On the upper west side it will definitely add to your sought afterness, while everywhere else besides the ‘off the derech yeshiva guy who graduated from Niveh with a bachelors degree in Talmudic law’ circuit will not even post your resume on the shadchun databases.
Look this is a family web site so I will leave this up to your imaginations, but using objects to touch each other may even be like using your elbow to turn on the TV on shabbos, a shinue. You aren’t even touching each other with clothing on, one may want to ask their Rav how far removed from someone does one have to be, to not be considered touching them, kind of like how much pork needs to fall into a pot of cholent to render it treife, same thing.
10. Saran Wrap:
For those of you who want to abandon the laws of tznius, but want to resist the ultimate taiyva of touch, you can rap yourselves in saran wrap and get busy. Kind of like when they had sex in the movie Demolition Man, except the sex was the virtual reality of rubber suits and weird goggles. Or like the rubber suit scene from The Naked Gun.
There will be so much poking, your finger or other poking object may be liable to get sore, but don’t worry they have all these clubs on facebook like ‘don’t poke me I’m shomer’ and then you can write on each others walls and pretend you have a relationship by having the status changed for all to see. Of course this would defeat this posts whole purpose and I have no idea why I even included it, I guess it was all the poking that made me think of it.
12. Hide and Seek (footsie):
Have you ever looked under the table at a big shabbos meal’ I am sure you have, well there are always accidental and purposeful touchings, leg rubbings, and good old footsie going on. Using hidden places in public may be your best way to stay sort of shomer, you can only touch in public as long as no one sees you, like when you pass your women the salt, everyone knows two people cannot hold the salt shaker at once, hence at needa homes they have the classic put down of the salt shaker.
You can always say she’s your pilegesh and try and find all the sources to quote when your peeps call you an apikores. There was even a site for some time promoting the concept of pilagshim to try and stem the amount of adultery going on in the NY metro frum community, judging from the latest post on criagslist, it didn’t work.
14. Hole in the Sheet (or Whole in the Bekishe and Shabbos Robe):
Probably one of the biggest Jewish urban legends, but you may be able to use it to your advantage, that is if you are breaking shomer to that extreme and really don’t feel like seeing the person that you are going against the torah with, besides then you are not breaking any laws of tznius.
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