Can you be frum if your not shomer negiah?

So I’m having this discussion about shomer negia with fellow blogger Material Maidel over facebook chat and of course it gets to that question.

Are you shomer?

Am I shomer hmm…how to answer that one. I am a little weird, I find myself to be shomer until relationship but even then I tend to only touch the girl I am with- I brought up all these theories. My most commented post on ever was me describing all of the different shomer negiah categories people fall into.

For instance I don’t shake hands, sit next to women or hug old friends if I can do so without being too offensive. I don’t really go mixed dancing, although I love to shake my booty and therefore am for the most part keeping negia. But bring on some cute girl who likes me and all of the sudden its all out the window- or is it?

We then started talking about tefillin dates, and I admit I have been on many tefillin dates, but it doesn’t mean I actually slept with the girl. I happen to think tefillin dates are great, it shows that even though the person is doing wrong in one area, they are doing well in the other. It is a common thought in chasidus that the yetzer harah tries to convince you that it’s all lost- so those people wouldn’t even bring their tefillin because the figure its all gone anyway.

Let me also say that I think the idea of the tefillin date is a little weird, I mean who goes on a date and brings their tefillin. I don’t even bring my phone on dates, I think it really means to say that when you wake up in the morning and say oh shit I forgot my tefillin, that’s a proof that you are doing well in other areas- just maybe not the sexual activity part.

Ok, I’m rambling, but many people will probably argue that one who is sexually active prior to marriage cannot be frum and I completely disagree. I pretty much assume that anyone over 25 and single has been sexually active or will be if they have the chance- many people aren’t of course, but many are- but they still consider themselves frum- that of course leads to the following question- what is frum? As a kid growing up we always “considered” ourselves to be frum even though we ate milchigs out and watched TV on shabbos. Many people consider themselves something that they may not necessarily be. But that’s a whole different topic.

My opinion about frum folks who are sexually active is the following. There are plenty of frum folks who do things wrong- they know its wrong and they probably hope at some level for the day they can stop. It is also true that sexual activity prior to marriage is a huge gray area, no one really knows anything besides for that the shulchan aruch says “do not come close to a woman” that’s about it right. Oh and the wasting seed thing – but I am advocating for a kol koreh against that halacha because its impossible. That’s also an issue I wonder about- if the whole ban against premarital sex is mostly to do with needa- wouldn’t sleeping with a non-Jew who doesn’t have that status be ok?

Of course the spilling seed is also a big issue- but God created several halachos that he knew would never be stopped- in my opinion wasting seed and not talking loshon harah are those two things.