Funny thoughts I had this shabbos

Frummies love to say “come have a mezonos” instead of “here eat a cookie” or “how about a pretzel”.

One of my fans pointed out to me that God first lined up the animals in front of Adam before creating Chava because before finding your bashert you have to go out with dogs, cows and pigs.

I was sitting in shul last nighta nd suddenly everyone got up for lecha dodi, I noticed half the people were already turned around, some folks were in that whole half turn “should I turn yet?” stage and others were facing them as if to say “dude we aren’t supposed to turn yet”, mind you there was no women’s section- just a bunch of Jewish art of the sort that frummies place crooked on their living room walls instead of Rembrandt lithographs and Monet look a likes. The lecha dodi turn around is always an awkward time in my opinion- and what about the women.

I was sitting in shul today in one of the last remaining modern orthodox enclaves in Monsey and it reminded me of sitting in session when I worked back in 2006 for the New York State legislature. All these gray haired white men talking about golf and stocks, laughing and hushing at appropriate times. One of the men looked like Newt Gingrich and I found it kind of funny.

I decided that leaving right away from a shul which has a balcony is like leaving a party before the main dish arrives. You wait the whole time to get a glimpse at the women and then you don’t even wait for that one or two minutes of putting on the coats and saying good shabbos as you try and check out the ladies which were perched above you and out of sight during the whole of davening. Its a terrible thing to do.

People who drive Hummers are insecure and have small penises.

If Obama wins we are all screwed and if he loses the people who live in cities like Baltimore, Detroit, Newark and Compton are screwed as well. If McCain wins maybe Sarah Palin will be featured in Maxim.

Modern orthodox shul talkers are more nice about it then frummies. They seem to have more manners, they are more into signals and laughing, then hocking and those other things that frummy talkers with their clanking silver plated talesim holders.

I think I need to start making fun of modern orthodoxy again- its just that Monsey has been like a black hole as modern orthodoxy is concerned- but don’t worry- I am moving out of Monsey in several weeks, more will be divulged as time goes by.