How frummies utilize the brims of their black hats

For some reason I got in a mood to write classic frum satire stuff this week.

Apparently there is a crisis within the shidduch crisis that many of us are not aware of, I was speaking to a girl who is in the parsha as the more yeshivish people like to call someone who is dating and she said that many guys she has dated simply use the brim of their hats to avoid eye contact which they probably use as a tznius excuse, but are simply afraid of the big bold eyes of 19 year old bais yaakov girls.

This issue got me thinking again about bend down hats in general. For all of the uninitiated, “Bend Down Hats” refers to the hat variety worn by the yeshivish, yekishe, litvishe and general black hat crowds, Chassidim wear something known as the Beaver, Streimel, Spudick or pancake hat, and they even call non Chassidim- “bend downs” in some circles. Bend downs are called this because the brims of their hats actually bend down, some say its for streamlined wind resistance, providing good fuel economy from bowls of cholent that are becoming scarcer and scarcer as we have to rely on Chassidic sources for this product, since the more modern yeshivish crowds have gone to sushi as their source of popular fueling foods. Some say that the brims are bent down to give a more gangster look to the hocker in each of us, who doesn’t have the balls to turn their walky talkies volume to max when entering shul during mincha. As if to say we know we don’t have the Bluetooth in our ear when we are putting tefilin on, or the cool Acursa MDX because our kollel salaries aren’t as good as a shomrims, but we can still be cool with our hats by putting them sideways and adjusting the brims every now and then.

I also thought of another insight into the bend down hats ability to modernize, while the beavers and fur hat varieties are more frum. The bend down brim allows the user to walk on streets filled with scantly clad women, because they can merely bend the brim down and avoid the horrors that meet the eyes on a casual stroll down 13th avenue, the long sheitles and real live women specimens are so distracting and uncalled for that the brim can help you on your way.

The problem is that no one really knows if your brim has been put down to keep the sun from your eyes, to allow a more efficient shuffling walk due to the streamlining abilities of the bent down brim, or if you are trying to prevent yourself from spilling seed because of all the pritzus that is walking past you.

On the other hand Chassidim, while not enjoying the benefits of the bend down brim of their hats, they can rest in piece that when a women walks in front of them, their arm can go up in defense of the filth that riddles the streets of Williamsburg and Spring Valley. No one will mistake a downed brim as a sun visor because there are no brims, just quick gestures, that can tell you, aha, there goes a fruma yid who shields his eyes.