How do you behave at kiddush?

How do you behave at Kiddush?

Everyone does different things at Kiddush, I myself look like a wolf, scouting out the offerings and planning an attack that will be most profitable and allow me to stockpile the hard to reach and easiest to run out foods. How do you behave?

Patience:

There are those that just stand around without even taking a plate or fork and wait for the Rabbi to make Kiddush, cheers to them because I cant understand their logic, these are usually the women and maybe some older men who probably need their wives help at fishing for the cholent spoon anyway.

Pre Game:

There is always someone who “made” Kiddush already presumably at a Kiddush club, or maybe because they grabbed one of those little cups with grape juice before they started pouring them. But these people are pre-gamers, they start taking food before everyone else- which is good because nobody wants to be the first.

Scolders:

I experienced the wrath of the scolders as a wee little one and as an adult, it never changes. These are the folks that always feel the need to tell you to wait for the Rabbi, they are undoubtedly the suburban Volvo driving types who never serve drinks until after the main meal comes out. Every shul has these angry “everyone must wait to hear the Rabbi” to take food types and I have confronted them many a time- telling them to mind their own business as I piled on cholent and kugel prior to any sign of Kiddush being made.

Pigs:

Even I am not considered a pig, the pigs are those guys (they are always guys) that crowd around the hot food waiting to pounce on it the second it gets set down. They always have to be cleared away by whomever got the job to put the hot food out. Pigs will always let the cholent spoon drop to the bottom forcing messy cleanups and multiple napkins to be wrapped around the spoon creating this sloppy browned napkin mess.

Wolves:

As I mentioned, I am a wolf, these people strategize rather then conquer, they debate what is more worth it, the cake or the kugel table. These are the people that plan out Kiddush attacks for weeks in advance buying catering blueprints from the black market kosher catering business supply people. Wolves do tend to take food early on, but only after several others have started and they tend to make Kiddush on their own rather then wait for someone to make it for them.

Shoved Aside:

If you don’t have confidence at Kiddush you get shoved aside, its true, it’s a ruthless world out there, especially when it has anything to do with Jews and free food. Enter in a lengthy prayer service and a bunch of yentas and you have this atmosphere that could be overwhelming for some folks. These folks will wait their turn patiently, only to be shoved aside by wolves and pigs vying for the prize of hot Kiddush king.

Cake Hoarders:

Children tend to be the cake hoarders, looking for that last piece of entamins raspberry twist, well I can tell you to go look at the kids table, where they will be scarfing down rainbow cakes and orange soda, to every cake loves dismay.

This is my lunch:

I have done this and seen this often, this is when you find out in advance of a kiddush’s worthiness and decide that it will be lunch. You can either bring your own challah rolls- I have seen this- or you can beg the kitchen to hook you up with some of that stale matzo reserved for shalosh suedos. These people tend to take 3 plates for each person and sit down for their meal rather then running around with their half empty plates to refill.

Wasters:

Ever see someone take a pile of food on a plate like it was running away from them- only to discover the plate is sitting in tact after all is said and done. I hate Kiddush wasters, waste bugs me in general, but wasting free food, come on people.

Hockers:

Kiddush hockers are most likely to be hockers all year round, but at Kiddush they are the guys pouring the shots or hoarding the booze table and telling everyone with a joke that they are too young to drink. They are also always hounding the caterers to give them special food, like the scrapings of the crock pot or the non soggy broccoli salad.

Any others?