Thoughts before, during and after a shidduch date

I find that no matter who I go out with, my attitudes and experiences in the dating process are pretty much the same. I get the same nervousness prior to the phone call, after the call, before the date, during the date and the awkward decision making after the date. I don’t get that nervous and the nervousness can depend on how I feel at different times about the person I have been set up with, but its always there.

The Hook Up:

In the past couple weeks there have been plenty of these and they are usually pitched to me by someone who has been reading my work, watching my videos and that person wants to hook me up with one of their friends. My initial thoughts are always the same, wow if this person has seen me ranting like a lunatic about the most ridiculous things and has read about my adventures in shul that sometimes require that I throw in my over the mechitza looking, they must be nuts like me.

The hook up can also be from random people who know me, which is always iffy, because the people who “really” know me never hook me up unless its soppy seconds- meaning they have dated the girl already. So people who meet me once- try to hook me up and they always have this “great idea” and they of course met me once as I was shoveling cholent and cranberry cobbler down my gullet.


So I agreed to make the call, I debate when, now is too early, now is too late. Do I really want to date this girl, I should have done some reference checking, no I am not that type, oh but I should be it would save so much time. Then I make the call, I always have sweaty hands and always have my gut in my throat. The feeling is similar to when your 15 and the girl you have been staring at, stares back. Same feeling.

The Call:

The awkward beginning, trying to break the ice, hoping for a talkative girl. Oh man she’s not talking, break the awkward silence, brilliant man why don’t you relish in the silence, talk about it. Or maybe she’s a talker, she sounds cool, wow what a surprise. Or what the hell were these people thinking- yes that’s usually how it is. What on earth were these people thinking, this girl is my antitheses. Or maybe it was some girl who contacted me after seeing my blog, I think she thought I was someone else, she thinks she can judge me based on my blog, wrong way to do it honey. She’s probably thinking the same way.

After Call:

I really don’t want to go out with this girl. Should I call the shadchun and tell her no way? Should I call the girl, no I’ll email her, so much easier, email rejects, the space age man! Maybe I should just take the plunge, she wasn’t that bad. Frumster is the best, because after the crappy calls, such as the one in which the girl told me we should talk again because she hadn’t finished the list of questions her rebetzin had written down for her. She got a rejection message on email stating that my “rabbi” thought it wasn’t for me- wacky BT syndrome.

2 Days before the Date:
Man where the hell am I supposed to take this chick? She didn’t sound like the type to walk around the park in the cold, I hope she doesn’t expect me to buy her anything, man I don’t get my paycheck for another week. Strabucks, will she think I am too cliché, how about a museum, well maybe she will get offended by all the nudity? Maybe I can take her hiking, eh I don’t want to pay the tolls. I wish they all lived in Monsey it would be so much easier.

The Pick Up:

I usually wait in the car, because girls seem to favor neighborhoods with little or no parking. OMG I see her, how can I miss her she’s hot/fat/nasty/cute/sexy/ photo shopped her picture/should have known about the upper body frumster picture/next time I’ll ask for a picture/jeez she’s very manly/ I wonder if she had a sex change/ oy vey/shit-uch.

The door debate- I do not open car doors for women, I have done it, one time exactly, I find it too weird. Beating your date to the car door and having her sit alone while she takes her time to adjust to the smells wafting from my car, my car stinks by the way, even the periodic pre-date deodorant and cologne sprays cannot mask the smells of biking and hiking gear growing mold in the back seat, I guess that’s where station wagons don’t work out so well.

So I don’t like the whole opening the car door for the girl, it bugs me. I do open up normal doors, though opening up doors sometimes gets sketchy especially in the by accident touching department. What if the door opens inward and the doorway is narrow, and maybe your date or yourself are a large person, touching will happen.

So the pick up is probably the most awkward part of the date, besides the drop off. Nothing beats the drop off for awkwardness, but I’ll get to that later. So your stuck in your cocoon of steel and cheap plastic. For several minutes your date has to be within 2 feet of you, luckily I have a stick shift, it allows me to escape the girls who are so charmed by me they just want to leap over the seat and jump my bones.

The Date:

This isn’t so bad, why was I so nervous on shabbos, dates are always on Saturday night or Sunday, although if I worked the hours of most city people I waste a weeknight on a date, why waste a free day, I never understood it. Weeknights also allow for quick escapes should the date go awry, because you have the excuse that you are working tomorrow.

Usually the guy takes the lead and wraps up the date. I have been on several dates in which the girl busted out the premature date ending. One girl gave mean hour and a half and then called it quits using the “I never go on long first dates” excuse, I liked it, it made me like her more, I enjoy confident women.

The best dates have even conversation, which is hard with an extrovert like myself, some girls leave you wanting more. Most girls bore the hell out of me, nah its not that bad, I can always write about it. Which leads me to my dilemma, as I get more known, most of my dates know about the blog and read it regularly so I cannot write about specific dates, unless they don’t mind, I have had several who asked me to write about it. It used to be the debate whether to tell them about the whole operation I have going, but now its more like- they already know, they better know or they will dump me 3 dates into the relationship when they figure out who I am. Someone should do a study on how long it takes for someone to decide whether to go on a second date. Is it within 3 minutes of meeting the person, is it before talking on the phone, was it from the phone conversation- or do people actually decide during or after the date. I always wonder this, because I can usually tell within 30 minutes of meeting the person, although I have been pleasantly or unpleasantly surprised at myself and my dates.

End of the Date:
Whether you are walking your date to her door, or dropping her off at her house, the drop off is always awkward, at least to me. Do you ask them out again here, or wait for the even more awkward after date phone call? Do you reject them here, or let them relish in their happiness talk about with their roommates over ice cream pints and peanut butter, only to receive a rejection phone call a day later, as their second date fantasy is ruined.

Whatever route I choose, I always feel bad to reject someone. Oh and I always feel weird whatever the outcome may be.

Post Date Phone Call:
So you didn’t have the balls to ask her out again or reject her right there, so you put yourself through the phone call of death. I know its not that bad, but my hands are sweating the most and I am always freaked out by it, kind of like getting up during your first pre-school performance, except I usually don’t want to picture my date in her underwear, well sometimes. But here goes nothing, as we practiced.

It always goes the same way, you and date have 5 minute friendly conversation and then get down to business. Its game time, either you reject with an excuse, or if you are indifferent you can ask her how she feels. If you are a bastard you can ask her how she feels, knowing she wants to get down and dirty and then reject her, you sicko.

If its rejecting that your doing, the after phone call feeling is always one of elation, loads are lifted off your shoulders and you feel accomplished. If you asked her out again, you start scheming and telling your friends that this could be the one, depending on what community you are in, the girl may think you might propose the next date, or maybe you will have to prepare for a sit-in.