The latest from the chumra police: frum cars

Wolf recently had a short blurb that emphasized the news story title “frum car gets car jacked, woman injured” which was talking about some carjacking that took place in London. Then it hit me, cell phones, paper towels and clothing have hechsherim on them and the trend in the frum community to place all trust in the tyrannical practice of deeming everything “kosher” is only getting stronger, or maybe people are just willing to go along with crazy chumros due to their good deals on section-8 housing and easily accessible day schools. Why not make an actual car that is certified kosher, a “frum” car for the “frum” person. Not only can they help you achieve your goals in becoming frummer then everyone else, but they can make money in the process and control your life even more.

I can just see it now, it will be like kosher net, the GPS included in the car will be tracked by a bunch of white bearded fellows from the vaad hatznius sitting in an underground bunker in some undisclosed location in Lakewood or Monsey. Monitors will show the car through a hidden camera in the GPS meant to make sure that all occupants of the car are dressed tzniusly and that the stuff they bring into the car is kosher. A scanning device will make sure each product is of recommended hechsherim by scanning the barcodes as items are brought into the car. For instance if someone brings Motts Applesauce into the car, the GPS will lock the wheels and prevent you from moving until the issue is solved- a yiddish sounding voice will emanate from the GPS warning the driver that treif- in this case Motts which bears a triangle-K would have to be removed from the car in order to move.

The GPS can also track where you are going and certain establishments deemed treif by the vaad hatznius will be removed from the system, annoying sounds will come from your GPS- which is permanantly attatched to the car, if you were to appear to be going anywhere inappropriate- like a mall, movie theater or grocery store which does not sell only cholov yisroel products.

Sirens, like those that are rung in frum towns warning of mincha, the start of shabbos and other frum events- will come from the car when any z’an comes up. Krias shema, mincha and candle lighting times will all be warned to you by way of loud peircing siren which causes you to either get into an accident or pull over and do the task at hand.

The CD player and jack will only accept frum music, even Jewish music will be destroyed if it is not deemed “frum”. All Matisyahu, Blue Fringe, Moshav Band and Yeedle, will be removed from your Ipod and CD’s will be deposited onto the roadway as shredded pieces of metal. Your radio will have stations- but only kosher programming will be allowed through, programs like Rush Limbaugh and Michael Savage are allowed, while any left wing propoghanda will sound like static as well as any news or traffic report given by a woman.

Cup holders will feature milchig and fleishig sides, and every time you go in for a car wash the cup holders will be kashered to prevent any spec of treif. You cannot just pick any car wash- it must be kosher- since the soap they use must have a hechsher and the place must be closed on shabbos, and will not allow women to enter, since the wind from the hot air blowers is likely to blow their sheitles off.

Women are allowed to drive the car, because, according to one of the GPS monitors, we are not trying to be like Saudi Arabia or even Kiryas Joel- we are liberal and want to make sure the laws of tznius and kasharus are kept in the car- which should have always been under the watchful eyes of the chumra patrol. However when under further examination, we found on line 248 of the contract that women would only be allowed to drive after a signed afidavit was completed by the husband, single women cannot drive under the laws of the chumra patrol because it is untznius.

Options include:
Stocking seamstress
Vegetable checker with optional bug washer
Tzitzis maker
Tefilin and mezuza checker
Tznius alerts on very hot days(kind of like ozone alerts for frummies)
Car mezuza
Automatically tinting windows when passing near untznius areas
Toiviling mikvah (installed on roof to collect rain water)
Set of shas loaded onto your GPS
Maps of all restaurants approved by the vaad hatznius(either they have separate seating, or only take out- to prevent mixing of the sexes)

Although Henry Ford is one of the most notorious American Anti-Semites the makers of the Frum Car have decided to go with his philosophy of making only one color, and that is black of course. In keeping with the latest in chumra trends, no red, denim or parts of from Zionism supporters will be used.