Couldn’t be too serious for too long you know!
How well does Jewish Food Fares in Food Fights:
Latkes:
The latke makes a great food to do battle with since it is almost invariably hot and dripping with oil, always a great thing when trying to annihilate your opponent. Imagine your regular food wielding opponents screams when he gets hit in the face with a flying saucer made of sliced potatoes and oil dripping everywhere, dollop it with applesauce or sour cream for that extra kick, and proof of your kill. Latkes have one downside, they must be thrown like a Frisbee and therefore close contact fighting with them is discouraged.
Hamentashen:
Ask any Jewish food fight veteran and hell tell you, getting hit anywhere with a hamentashen sucks. Its pointy sides representing the hats worn during the Revolutionary war are killers and allow the thrower to haul it anyway they like. They are also easily recoverable since they tend not to slide or roll away. The heavy prune filling works best for your aim and since no one likes the prune ones, you can be sure your opponent will not eat whatever you lob at them.
Matzo Balls:
Must be one crazy food fight for someone to dip their hands in the soup pot to fish around in. Grab some of the chicken scraps for fights that you want to get messy, maybe throw some of the dill in to make it colorful. Matzo balls are tough to recover so your opponent will not be able to throw use them as their own weapon of food destruction and if they are like bubby made them, nice and fluffy, they will explode on contact.
Chopped Liver:
Oh were getting nasty now, most people don’t like chopped liver so its way more fun, but chopped liver must only be used in close contact situations. In order to use it for farther distances combine it with crushed tam-tams for better cohesiveness.
Herring:
I prefer creamed hearing, just because of the mess it will make. But to make your opponents eyes burn go with the herring in wine sauce. Herring stains real well, so well that even the old time method of using seltzer to get the stains out wont work. Ever want to piss someone off, just throw some herring at them.
Sufganyot:
I like to call these the Jewish version of the food grenade. Not only will ounces of hot oil pour onto the unsuspecting person. The best part however is when the donut explodes and fragments of donut, powdered sugar and jelly pour into the assailments territory. The best part about it is that its great eating regardless of how messy it gets.
Cholent:
I can only imagine what a blob of cholent would look like screaming through the air. The best way to lob cholent would be to use a ladle as a flinging device, aim is tough but like a shotgun spray the projectile will scatter inevitably hitting your opponents somewhere. Cholent is just plain scary, it doesn’t evoke the classic images of wedding cake food fights, yet dark gothic images of white shirted men with brown stains, which are left there for months until the shirt gets to old to wear.
Matzo:
Matzo just hurts, round shmura matzo can take an eye out and the square stuff when flung the right way will give you bloody cuts. Shatzer matzo is best, due to its thickness, as well as that Manichevetz stuff you cant use on Passover according to the box. The problem with matzo is that its lack of stickiness takes away from the traditional food fight factor.
Various Foods:
Shlishkes, kasha varnishkes, stuffed cabbage and kreplachs can also be used however I do not recommend them due to their unique abilities to spread apart mid flight and fall from the sky.
10 comments for “Jewish food fight guide”