So you think you could be a Lubavitcher

I have not had internet access all weekend until now, posts this week will be more regular.

Being a Lubavitcher takes skill, but the rewards are immense. It may be for the glory and that’s great, but anyone knows that the real reasons to become a Lubavitcher or to infiltrate the clan are to gain a free place to stay wherever you go, lots of alcohol, and a chance to claim one of the beautiful Lubavitch girls as your trophy wife.

Untucking your shirt, crushing your hat and wearing a gartel may seem like easy feats, but growing a scraggly beard without peyos, dragging your feet when you walk and wearing your black and white talis as if it were a white only talis are all external things which will get you into the clan, but if you really want to get inside, away from all the hubbub of sheliachs and 770 you need to know a few things.

First things first, you should probably know what Chabad stands for and what their philosophies are. After that you should probably pick up a set of Tanya and memorize some key lines that you could repeat over and over again to sound like you know something. Do you know the difference between a sicha and a maimer? Hell if I know, but I do know that if you know a few by heart, they get you brownie points with the ladies. Lubavitch girls will always say the way into their hearts or skirts is knowing some random sichas or Baal Shem Tov Stories that start off “and the Besht was walking in a forest in Russia…”

One of the most important things to practice is making a dvar torah out of anything. The best way to do this and Lubbies have mastered this art, especially at random bar mitzvahs, is to find crazy gematrias that no one knew existed. Its very easy in some crowds because folks rarely ever check the gemtria to see if its really there. So you c`an make stuff up.

Can you name any Lubavitch Rebbes besides the current one- and the Alter Rebbe? Well you better because if someone mentions the Tzemach Tzedek and you think it’s a settlement in Israel your in trouble. Knowing yertziets, dates of imprisonment (since they tend to fabrengin on these days) and dates of release (another excuse for a fabrengin) will be very important for your advance up the latter at Lubavitch and Co. Want to be extra cool, carry around an emergency fabrengin kit, featuring Smirnoff, kichel and a chitas- you better have multiple chitas’s lying around your house and car.

You should also have some personal Rebbe stories, even if you weren’t around when he was alive, make some up. Like that time you went into yechidus with him and he knew everything about you- just like those late at night psychic commercials- and about the time you got a ten dollar bill instead of the traditional one dollar. Rebbe videos and tapes should be scattered around your car and home.

How many Rebbe pictures you have and where they are located is dependant on what political party you belong to. Are you Yechi, Anti Yechi or are you Semi Yechi. Here is a guide to all the different political parties in the Lubavitch movement, it is kind of like a parliamentary system and sometimes different groups side together to gain a majority.

Meshichist (Yechi):

This means that you not only believe that the Rebbe is the Messiah, but he is in fact still alive and hanging out at 770. These folks tend to be BT, so right there you are at an advantage if you tote this party line. They also tend to shout a lot, so if you were a metal head which I am sure many of them were, you can shot the Yechi line all day long at the top of your lungs. As a proud yechi you must deny that there was a funereal for the Rebbe and always make sure to say the Rebbe “says or is” not “said or was”, also all publications you produce must have yechi in them under the picture and wearing the yechi yarmulke won’t hurt either. You also should have his picture everywhere, I mean your house should look like a 16 year old girls bedroom in the heyday of boy bands. I have even seen some folks put a picture of him with the yechi line into the babies crib.

Anti Meshichist:

You should not even daven in the actual 770 and instead should proceed upstairs to the Rebbes study where all the anti folks crowd in like a package of seasons sardines. One Rebbe picture in the house is a enough and you should spit in disgust at your heretical opponents. Saying zt”l after the Rebbes name will surely piss some people off, but honoring great Rabbis who passed is important to you.

Semi Yechi:

You think he’s dead but he will rise. He’s coming back basically and this line is hard to tow yet a good nuetrilizer, since you can act feindly around both parties. Its kind of like being a Ross Perot Lubavitcher.

You must have or make up at least one kiruv success story that you have to your name. It could even be from your days as a heretic, ahem I mean normal modern orthodox guy- before you spotted the sheliach on your college campus’s daughter and vowed that you would grow your beard to full lengths to have a shot at Chaya Mushka, long name amazing results.

Make sure you can play Jewish Geography, easy because they are all inbred and everyone knows each other. But another interesting thing you could do, is try and befriend those who are not involved in putting tefilin on folks in busy traffic circles. Try and make friends with the non-emissaries and se what happens, you may be surprised at the ins that these people have.

Know all the deals on, actually you should know basic Lubavitcher stuff like shmais, hot lists and living torah. How about the Jewish childrens museum, know about it- you are trying to infiltrate someone who wants to suck you in and turn you into one of them for real, so you might as well bypass the system.