This is the revised edition of a previous post that received over 90 comments, many of them from pissed off FFB’s who felt this stuff to be a bit over the edge, of course the folks really appreciated the humor- were mostly BT’s who can actually relate to what I was talking about.
Tell them that the reason we dab the havdala wine around our eyes is so we have war paint for the upcoming battles that we wage with the yetzer harah during the weekdays,
It’s a minhag to use the leftover aravos and hadasim in the cholent after succos,
They should smear blood on their doo rposts before the first seder, so God does not smite them,
Tell them that Salt is fleishig since most salt came from Lots wife,
Tell them that in order to be machmir one must snor the besumin,
The only premarital sex allowed is anal, because that way you are not lowering a girls value by breaking her virginity,
Tell them to check all water for bugs,
Tell them to take off their tzitzis and yarmulke whenever going somewhere such as a bathroom- so as not to embarrass such holy items,
Tell them that clopping for al chaits must be hard to enough so that it resonates 20 feet around to prove that they are indeed suffering,
Convince them that certain horrible sins such as masturbation require public confession after Kol Nidre, (if only they convinced us of such things during high school)
You must dry your mouth out with a towel before eating matzo,
Tell them that they cannot eat fruit on shabbos with peel because its counted as tearing,
Tell them that whenever they get an erection, they must say the bracha zokef kefufim,
Tell them to salute whenever hagba is done,
Tell them the reason Jews don’t get abortions is because the temple is not around anymore and we cannot have sacrifices,
Convince them to drink the mayim achronim waters,
Tell them that flushing their toilet on shabbos is forbidden because it carries stuff from rishus hayachid to rishus harabim,
Tell them it is a custom to wish newly weds luck in the bedroom,
Hide the barcha sheet when they called up to the torah for an aliyah,
Hide all the transliterated siddurim and give them one of those free breslover ones the dudes hand out in the street,
Alleviate their fears by saying the prayers of tefilas haderech and oray minay bisumin were made to show appreciation for drug use,
Convince them to buy those ticheles tzitzis,
Tell them that peeing facing east is assur,
Tell them to be care full about wiping their mouths with unkosher napkins,
The OR symbol on products is the strictest hechsher in the kasharus field- standing for Orthodox Rabbis,
Serve veggie burgers with cheese- nonchalantly, ignoring the sweat beading off your friends face- struggling to understand and convince them it is a sphardi custom,
Tell them to save all their bedikas chometz bread for throwing at tashlich,
Show them how to hold a lulav- upside down,
Tell them asher yatzar should be said for any bodily function that comes from openings, such as masturbation, sneezing, and throwing up,
If you happen to be in a litveshe setting convince your friend to strike up a hearty Yechi adonanu….
Direct them to shuir hashirum for every haftorah,
We must cheer and clop for Mordichai because he saved the Jews- hence the reason for graggers,
Get them to clap after a Rabbis drasha,
Direct the random BT entering your shull to the usually empty women’s section,
During purim try to get them to pull a woman’s sheitle off- make up some custom about exposing the costume wearers,
The hole in the sheet sex is really false- its really supposed to be through a talis,
All fruits and veggies must be certified kosher,
Freak them out by saying they may have to “renew” their bris,
Point to some randlom shmona esray insertation and tell them that since they missed they need to say it over again- stop them before they start of course- (don’t want no bracha livatala’s)
In order to get bircas kohanim rights you have to have big hands- so its harder not to look and you get more sechar for not looking,
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