How to be a hocker

Step by step guide to becoming a hocker:

Knowing the Right People:

The most important nuance of today’s true hocker is knowing the right people, because almost every hocker revals the fact he is a hocker by starting out most sentences and stories with “oh and I know this one guy…” In fact you can be fake it like most do, but its important to know people in each of the respective hocker industries such as cell phones, real estate flippers, nursing home administrators, day trading and catering. Being able to hold your own when showing off how many connections you have is the most important thing, because it leads to the whole point of a hocker in the first place.

Hockers serve several purposes, one of which is to make you feel like an idiot because you don’t know anyone important and you have no inside information on the new kosher Subways or get to eat dinner with Shelly Silver. They also tend to play quickdraw Jewish Geography void of any niceties. When busting out Jewish Geography it is of utmost importance to end every sentence with something negative about the persons business tactics, to act like you know all the best ways to do business. Quick Draw JG is when the person just starts naming people he thinks you might know, in the back of his mind he knows you wont know many of them because they probably only exist to further his rank in hockerdom, but you sit in awe as he names your whole city, and you don’t seem to be hooked up at all.

Set of Wheels:

An EMT plate is a must for all hockers, if you are not a paramedic, EMT or volunteer firefighter on the side, you better come up with something good to supplement that important missing item, which means you cannot drive on the shoulder of route 17 when driving to the Catskills on erev shabbos, and that directly effects your status with other hockers. Sirens come next, they allow you to run those pesky red lights on Ocean Parkway furthering the hocker chillul Hashem cause.

SUV’s are king, they like big behemoths that guzzle gas. I have noticed that the supreme hockers, the guys who go all out and turn up their walki-talkies as they enter shull always go for the Suburbans and Escalades, the more refined guys- probably the nursing home administrators are into Acura MDX’s and anything that says Lexus on it regardless of whether it is actually just an overpriced Camry with leather.

It’s also important to know about cars, like prices, and who to lease from. Of course you got hooked up by your buddy at Prestige Motors and you know every used car dealer in Brooklyn because, they are all aspiring hockers. Even when someone actually knows about cars for example a mechanic, you should refuse to give up your knowledge and say that you have been driving whatever car for years and it sucks.

Food:
Hockers love Dougies, Kosher Delight and Subsational, when traveling alone. When joined by their wives they tend to go for the lavish foods and love to bitch about the sushi being crappy. I never could understand how sushi could be bad myself, it all tastes good, unless the rice is old. While on line in any restaurant, always remember to receive a call from your “stock broker” and talk extra louly about your stocks to make sure everyone around you knows, that you are the man. With the whole etrade thing are brokers a thing of the past like travel agents, or do the cool rich people still have them? Always cut the line with your walki-talkie in your hand speaking to you in static- and claim that you have to run to a fire or something. Just what I need, my firefighter running to Burgers Bar before going to save lives.

The Kiddush Club was created for hockers, by hockers as a way to join forces and pretend that they actually know the difference between single malt Scotch aged in Oak or Cherry casks. While there they can also discuss how good the herring from Williamsburg is and talk about how much money they made in the market that week. BSing about Scotch with hockers is easy, I don’t drink, but if I did I could totally pretenc I knew what I was talking about. Words like smooth, rough, dark, light, peaty, oak, dry and it tastes like a tall glass of peach lemonade on a summer afternoon with hints of wild squash and basil. I also now enough as you should about the different brands and locations of Scotch distilleries to make my way in Kiddush club rankings.

Politics:
Move over you pussy liberals, you must be a raving right wing lunatic to join this group. I think hockers are the only group left in America that not only support Bush but would love if he repealed the two-term only rule. I have witnessed many a time a hocker saying the following statement to my disbelief: “I think Bush will be praised in the coming years for all he has done, and we will eventually see the good that Iraq has done to the world, I stand behind him 100%.” Oh and you must use the N-word constantly unless you are smooth with the word Shvartza. Actual political correctness goes out the window in hockerdom and you better like it, or else.

For Israeli politics you must love Mier Kahane and have celebrated when Rabin was shot. You go and protest at Gay parades and support internment camps for all Muslims.

Dress:
It is important to have some sort of knowledge of the yeshiva ways of life, since all hockers emerge from the yeshiva world. They were those guys that never did good in shuir, but had a knack for starting a calling card business in their dorm rooms or selling raffle tickets for Oorah. In no such circumstances can you wear a white yarmulke or khaki light colored pants it is against the grain.

Dark pants, usually cotton with a tucked in solid blue polo shirt or button down boxed shirt is the uniform of the hocker. They are also known to carry up to four electronic devices on their belts, though two is most certainly enough. The yarmulke should be black velvet, but it should be one of the steep dome types that make your head look taller, it should also be placed in the middle of your most likely balding head and if you happen to wear black suede which you can get away with unharmed, you should hang it off the side of your head carelessly.

Wives:
Your wife should be hot, or should have been hot before the multiple children you popped out, some of which you claim happened upon you anyway despite the multiple different types of birth control you used.

There are two types of Hocker Wives, the sheitle hooker/hot channie or the aidel maidel The Sheitle Hooker is a female version of you, accept she find pleasure in making people look at her, instead of the male version of people listening to you as you spew your nonsensical bull shit. She should own many heels that lace up and a bunch of pairs of leather hooker boots. Tight shirts and short jeans jackets are also great accessories. She should be bitchy enough to handle you, but nice enough to have guests over without you belittleing them too much with your vast connections and knowledge of everything.

The aidel maidel wife is the exact opposite of you, people you meet always have this look bewilderment in their eyes as they wonder why she picked you out of the hat. She is sweet, cute and understanding, she doesn’t yell or show off and is pleasant. I have no idea why you got married, though I see this quite often. Its usually the nice guys who married hot channie who later becomes sheitle hooker when reading a particularly vivid missed connection on craigslist.

Conclusion:
No matter what, you are always right, manners be damned.

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