The usage of shul bathroom tissue must be stopped!!!

Dear Shul Board Member:

I am writing to you to discuss a well known epidemic which is affecting many shuls in the United States as we speak. This epidemic has been known for some time, however, I think that many folks have just given in and gotten used to it, and I have had enough. What I am talking about is many shuls’ usage of “made for shul bathroom tissue.” In fact I never knew exactly what bathroom tissue was until I started attending orthodox shuls.

You see I always knew that bathroom tissue was the politically correct way of saying toilet paper on television without offending all the children who thought the commercial was for teddy bears, and that tissues were in fact just tissues. Then one day while attending an unnamed shul I had to use the bathroom and lo and behold it contained the “true” bathroom tissue. A tissue that was smaller and rougher then regular nose tissues making it ideal for many shul toilets which tend to be antique.

Needless to say my experience was awful, not only did the squares not contain enough area of paper to do a proper job wiping, they were extremely rough and you had to use practically all of them to actually utilize them into some sort of toilet paper usage. They kind of reminded me of leaves, you know they really don’t work unless you don’t mind being uncomfortable for the rest of the day.

So let me ask you mister shul board member- who probably comes to shul once or twice a year so you don’t have to suffer through the shul toilet paper epidemic that has ravaged shul goers for almost half a century- why did you vote to keep with these small scraps of paper in those rusty metal dispensers during the last budget meeting? Or maybe you are one of the few who carries a few tissues in a preemptive strike against shul toilet paper induced rashes, hence you never actually felt the razor paper that many of us shul goers must suffer through every time we attend shull.

Is the comfort of your members not the first thing on your mind? You provide cushions on the pews, single malt scotch for those who cannot sit through laining and a low mechitza for those who do sit through laining but let their mind wander. Are a few boxes of generic Kleenex too much to ask for? Besides think of all the janitorial costs to be saved since most of these small shul bathroom tissues end up on the floor anyway.