Why I think the Charedim banned the Fried/Shweky Concert!!!

Why did the charedim come up with the most recent bans of Strawberries and Gay Yeshiva Guy concerts? Was it something more then bugs and mingling? Is there a deeper meaning to all the so called nonsensical bans that reap havoc on the members of the ultra orthodox community every few months, or are they perfectly real and needed?

Maybe it is all just some big conspiracy thought up by some brains deep in the bunkers under Mea Shearim where a group of masterminds within the charedi community figures out how to slowly bring out bans so the charedim do not lose their ban funding. You know that many school districts have a funding policy called “use it or lose it” and in fact many charedi think tanks have this same policy. The meshulachim funding these organizations by looking dirty and carrying signed letters from great Rabbis you have never heard of while taking down full plates of wedding meals will stop funding, unless the charedi think tanks thrust some crazy chumras and bans onto the masses.

These bans and chumras seem to appear out of nowhere and have no basis. Strawberries for instance were banned, while spinach and lettuce are still in widespread use- but contain twice as many bugs. Inside sources tell me that strawberries are the next fruit that will be grown by the greenhouses in Israel and many of the Rabbis are heavily vested in these interests. Miami was banned because they didn’t hire enough of the Gedolim to be mesader kedushin at the cities weddings. The concert was banned because Shweky sings like a girl and therefore it resembles kol isha (on the side, in high school my dorm councilor confiscated Rush albums because he thought it was sung by girls).

This is why I am working with the 9-11 commission for truth in finding out why these chumras and bans really take place. Conspiracy, loss of funding, and plain old power tripping are al on the list, as well as more obscure things like- if the Rabbis do not ban things people will think they are getting lazy and not doing anything and still getting paid. Its kind of George Costanza acting all frustrated at work so people think he is actually working when he isn’t.

Along with the Charedi Ban Investigation Unit we have been working on possible reasons for why the concert may have been banned:

The Rabbis couldn’t get backstage passes and were pissed

They heard that the mechitzas being used might have contained shatnes

They decided that Shweky’s voice may be kol isha. (My dorm councilor in high school confiscated a Rush album I had once because he said it waqs kol isha)

The hashgacha of some of the food there was of a competing agency

Some of Avraham Fried’s songs are in English which is assur

Avraham Fried is Lubavitch and these Rabbis don’t consider Lubvitchers to be real Jews

They heard Matsiyahu was the opening act

There was a slight possibility that girls would have a good time

Women are only supposed to be doing 2 things at night, making babies and cooking

They wanted to be able to prove that most of those attending were am haaretzes, because they knew no one would listen to their stupid ban anyway. Now they can make more bans because they have to insulate themselves from the shgutzim who attended the concert.

Non-charedi products were being sold, and competition is bad.

Since most of their followers couldn’t afford to go, they decided to assur it and make everyone feel good.

They heard that women may possibly swing their arms at the event.

They found out that Shweky went to TIUNY in Rochester, and you know the controversy that creates.