A recent ad in one of the Frum Jewish Tabloids ahem…. newspapers read as follows:
“It just sort of happened over night, I went from regular old Joe, to a widely liked and sought after Yossi”
In the words of Yossi formerly known as Joe who changed his life by simply changing his head covering. Now you too can unlock the secrets and superpower of this magical sphere. Joe simply discovered that if he were to achieve true social status in life, he would have to change the only thing that really mattered.
“Before I switched to the black velvet head yarmulke, I was a nobody”
Yossi claims he was treated unfairly at the grocer, while numerous folks with black velvet were treated with the utmost of attention and service. He was second class with his suede and knit kipot. We have to agree… the abilities of black velvet are unsurpassed anywhere. It is like kryptonite for the Jew, it can raise the Jew higher then any other external item, even I may say that of a hat. Hats are not worn all the time, but yarmulkes are, and therefore arming yourself with the right material can be a make it or break it choice in the frum community.
“I was passed over when shidduchim were being redd by the scores to my friends and acquaintances”
Indeed one of the benefits of this yarmulke upgrade will be directly related to your marriage prospects. Not only will the grocer treat you better, the shadchun will look favorably upon you and send more girls your way. On our website we have more testimony and statistics to back up our findings. We have conducted a survey of 659 shadchunim worldwide* and found that nearly every one of them said that wearing a black velvet yarmulke greatly increased your chances of getting married. They claim that suede and knit can tell you a lot about a persons morals and frumness.
“It was so scary when I received the frightening boro-park stare, now I can walk through ultra orthodox neighborhoods unharmed and free of stone throwing mobs”
One of the most common fears realized amongst the non-black velvet wearers is that the children of the ultra orthodox or charedi families will have unending staring contests with you. Undoubtedly you will lose and fear when ever you see the swign of their small peyos jutting out of their shaved scalps- signaling the beginnings of what some have referred to as the Boro-Park Stare. Before Joe donned his black velvet disc that allowed him to retain his heimishe name- he was attacked by scores of eyes as he ate pizza on 13th avenue and shopped at the kollel store. He would sob in his sleep praying that he would not have to face the prying eyes of charedi children when he went to get pizza or ungers ketchup. Suddenly he took the advice of our ad and bought the black velvet yarmulke starters kit and was free of the terror that plagues suede and knit kipot wearers whenever they venture into charedi neighborhoods.
“This was the easiest self improvement I have ever done, I didn’t actually change anything about ME I just changed this black sphere I place on my head. Its actually quite interesting because I am not even very religious, I just wanted to be respected and treated the same and I like the timely service at Boro-Park pizza stores as well.”
From Yossi himself, the best way to become religious is to don one of these velvet wonders. You need not even believe in God, just believe in our idea and philosophy and of course follow the guidebook that we include in any purchase of our “first time wearers kit”, we will even throw in some black lined woolen tzitzis if this is your first time.
“I just don’t understand how this small Frisbee like head covering could change my whole social status. Where did its magical powers come from? Is it some sort of illusionists miracle? Maybe it is regional, and my status will be the same as before in far off places like Miami and Chicago? Will those foreign people treat me with the same dignity, or will they treat me as if I had never made the switch from suede and knit to velvet?”
These were some of Joe’s initial questions when deciding whether to make the change. He just couldn’t understand how the simple switch of materials while holding the same usage- could make such a difference. We understand the initial reactions, and try to give it a racial twist, almost that yarmulkes create classes of people within the frum community. Having grown up out of town Joe couldn’t understand this, but adjusted to his new home was difficult because of the yarmulke based segregation he found in the New York area.
Stay tuned for more of Frum Satires Black Velvet Week.