Frum Satires Long list of future Charedi Chumra’s & Bans

Let me get this straight- I am an equal oppurtunity basher, comic whatever your heart desires to call me. A few weeks ago I made fun of the JTS and then made fun of different sects within Modern Orthodoxy and yes I have to be getting to the charedim. First of all charedim are the easiest and most fun to poke fun at. Second of all they ACTUALLY do things like this. Third of all the ADL has been on my case for not giving each Jewish community equal time under the frum satire microscope. Hey if you have any other ones I can add them to the list.

Let me make it clear that I am not hating I am making people laugh. What good is a Jew that cant laugh at their own stupidity?

Glasses: glasses magnify an object and therefore they might be used to focus on untznius objects more clearly. Only reading glasses will be allowed.

Urinals: This should have been banned long ago, it allows for possible pornographic transgressions, when one looks to his neighbor.

Music: because it appears that anything to passionate will arouse someone.

Cities with beaches located within their city limits: coastal Israel is banned, including Bnai Brak due to its proximity to beaches, also Long Island as well as Brooklyn and Queens since pritzus lurks around. Miami now, why not these in a few months during a chumra lull?

Phones: actually during the old days the Rabbis wanted to ban them because it was feared that people would be able to speak loshon harah easily. Well guess what, its only time before phones will be banned. They allow for unsupervised talking to people of the opposite sex including all those goyishe operators and the credit card hot line ladies in India, where they worship sheitles.

Banks: Interacting with women is assur, and at the bank, the bullet proof mechitza is not enough, since it is see-through reminiscent of Lincoln Square synagogue. ATMS will still be allowed during the daylight hours- since after dark there is possibility of yichud.

Restaurants without mechitza’s: I cannot believe more restaurants other then Greens in Williamsburg have not instituted this as law. I mean weddings and bar mitzvahs have separate seating, why not the restaurant.

Public Restrooms: Because some one in the upper echelons owns shares in depends diapers or the fact that stall doors cannot always be locked and some folks may be aroused at the thought of a naked person sitting next to them doing their business.

Mattresses: Because sex is just for babies and it shouldn’t be that enjoyable at least for the women anyway.

Cars with manual transmission: Because bad thoughts may enter ones mind when handling the stick shift.

Mikvah: I don’t understand how they still have public mikvahs while they have realized that abuse and homosexuality exists within the frum community, these SHOULD be banned.

Tampons: need I say why?

Women cashiers: What if one day they didn’t slam your change down on the counter. Possible touching may occur causing bad thoughts.

Coca-Cola as well as whole milk: The bottle’s red color is untznius. Maybe New Square and Golden Flow will have to change the whole milk color of red to black. Because balck and white means a person is whole.

Stairs: Ever notice that when a person walks up the stairs their outfit becomes tighter. Especially women, their skirts may reveal that they are in fact women, and it may be possible to make out an ankle underneath the bullet proof stockings. I propose ramps o a slight incline to be determined by scientists as which angle will allow optimum rise versus less tightening of the clothing.

Escalators without mechitza’s: What if you were going down and saw a woman in a short skirt going up? Such nisroynos should never have to occur.

Coed airplane flights: Hey why should we allow the sexes to sit together on airplane flights? First of all what happens when the lights are turned down and it becomes all romantic. It is possible for your seat mate to lean her/his head on your shoulders by accident. You may have to “talk” to a women chas vashalom.

Women from kissing the mezuzah: When they kiss it they raise their hands in a very untznius way and that should be assur.

Ice cream: Because licking your lips is so sexual even when half a tofutti cutie is lodged between the person’s teeth. Oh and white cream is saved for making children.

Chairs for women: They should ban chairs, because when women sit down you can see that legs lie underneath their robes. I propose slanted chairs that cause women to lean on them making it much more tznius.

Robes might be replaced by garbage bags in the future. This comes from an inside source and we are waiting for the official announcement.

Summer camp: Based on previous chumras the goal has been to ban fun, summer camps are way too much fun. They are also notorious places for child molestation, which should be banned too- because apparently its fun.

Why hasn’t Craigslist officially been banned? Or is the internet ban a sweeping ban. Funny because in the Hamodia many of the advertisements feature email addresses and websites.

Licking is very seductive.

Windows: Looking at the shmutz walking down the street, a shonda.

Williamsburg: They say it’s the new hipster and artist capital of the city, not a good place for frum yidden to be.

PRITZUS- maybe the charedim will build a ghetto in the arctic, where no pritzus can ever exist.

Internet access may be possible.