Water challah satire

I was sitting waiting patiently for the Friday night dinner to start when I had an epiphany. I noticed that my not so little challah roll that was leftover from some large bar mitzvah in Monsey was one of the few that were being shielded from the Kiddush by a fancy pink and purple napkin. I had covered mine, so I should not embarrass the challah roll which would surely be jealous of being put as second to Kiddush. My napkin was getting soaked by its tears of sadness as it watched its more chashuv cousin the wine getting the first dibs on brachos. Its tears were sad and I could almost hear the challah rolls cries from its doughy depths.” Why am I put second, why cant all Jews adopt the custom of making Kiddush on me?”

The water challah roll was balling tears of agony even though it was covered. I felt horrible watching my napkins wet spot spread like that of the famous picture of the Palestinian boy peeing his pants while being dragged away by two Israeli soldiers. It had the same effect, I felt bad until I knew the whole story. I had noticed that although the other students had not covered their challahs like I had mine, their challahs remained in tact and still stood tall despite this utterly embarrassing moment. How could these challah rolls saturated with their tears remain a full intact brad without crumbling amidst all of the weight that they were gaining from their tears? Were they on drugs, why hadn’t they turned into piles of mush? It was at the precise moment as the band had struck up the famous cheerful and joyous singing of kivanu vecharta, that I had a most glorious epiphany.

Brilliance I thought as I relished over what I had just discovered in my head. Would the other diner’s shep as much nachas as I just had over my discovery? I finally realized why Water Challah had been invented, I could never figure out why anyone would joy over the bland taste of water challah other then it being fluffy and not as dense as egg challah. I don’t mean to rag on water challah, but it just has no taste. Even Zomicks challah which is laden with preservatives to help it taste like cake, cannot help the underdog of water challah.

Water challah I had decided was created purely to keep its consistency during times of anguish such as the one it was currently going through. You see, at meals where most of the guests are not knowledgable of the bread being covered at Kiddush, the challah goes through such anguish that it tastes like the bread bowl that French onion soup comes in after you have finished the soup and have gone onto the main meal, only to come back and try out the bowl and find that it is pure mush with a slight oniony residual taste.

Have you ever noticed that most BT style meals have water challah instead of egg? This is done on purpose, I always thought water challah was cheaper and tasted cruddy and since the Jewish way of kiruv consists of three main selling points- (good free food, the abundance of hot chicks and free trips to Israel with those two items)- I felt that serving this bland watery bread at kiruv meals was an outrage. How do you expect people to take to your proselytizing if you serve crappy bread?

Challah is also one of those legendary Jew-Foods, like matzo ball soup, gefilte fish and cholent its one of the few foods that Jews of all walks of life can relate to. Whether it was at a chabbad meal in college or their religious grandmother serving it Friday night, many Jews have fond memories, its symbolist of our religion.

I propose that no water challah be served anymore, and all free meals be switched to dense, non flakey, doughy, non-seeded, breakaway style, large sliced, egg challah. I think water challah should be reserved for the last day of Pesach when many non-gebrokt eating Jews bust out that matzo pizza and rock gebrokts old school.