Snoods and Robes suck: but what are your other options?

There have been quite a few articles in Jewish Press recently about Husbands that weren’t attracted to their wives anymore because they let themselves get fat and wore snoods and robes all the time. I for one am also not attracted to snoods and robes at all- but cant a women be comfortable once in a while. Guys don’t have the same pressures in terms of dress whether it be for tznius or for looking good. A girl’s attractiveness in reality doesn’t have so much to do with what she wears – its what lies under that nasty robe and snood. Does she have a body of a racehorse or is she one of the horses that are going to be shot?

I have seen plenty of ladies rocking the snood and robe look that were mighty fine, although the aishes ish factor always stands in the way of downright staring, a casual look can reveal if the women would look fine in her Sunday best.

I think we as Jews are missing the real issue here, the real issue in fact is whether or not snoods make a better or worse head covering than tichels, scarves, lampshade hats, falls, and sheitles. Lets face it the snood is and always will be ugly, it looks like a Rastafarian hat shrunken in size and shed of color to make it as ugly as possible. Whens the last time you saw women wearing a bright colored snood?

The snood also has drag; its rear spoiler is facing the wrong way, forcing the woman who dons one to slow down with her daily errands. Jogging in a snood offers a higher resistance to the runner and therefore causes a better workout, but when in a rush the women will wish she opted for the more streamlined and cute looking lampshade hat. The lampshade hat slices in the wind like a smooth disk, and features turned down brims to mimic the flight path of a flying saucer over the Utah desert. The lampshade unfortunately does not do well when there is a major weather disturbance since the winds may force it off the women’s head leading to utter embarrassment as this married women runs down 18th avenue head uncovered, chasing her flying saucer/lampshade as it flows smoothly along to the delight of UFO enthusiasts who are snapping photos of the alien women with her shaved head chasing her spacecraft.

At least the snood provides the safety of knowing it will not be carried by the wind, but the snood does provide the curious child with a one tug capability of dislodging the snood for all of your shabbos lunch guests to see your rapidly graying hair is in fact not light blonde like the sheitle you regularly wear. The snood also never has the new look, it always looks as if it were run over by a truck and then ended up in a dumpster. I happen to think it also takes the same shape as a pizza dough being hurled through the air by your local Hispanic pizza maker. The snood also find it hard to repel water, although I am sure they make waterproof ones, can anyone confirm that?

The tichel or scarf is similar top the snoods abilities, but it hugs the head tighter providing for a more sexy appeal. That tight fit always turns guys heads as they scurry to shachris in the morning past all the ladies bringing their kids to school. The tichels tight fit also fends off mischievous children who seek to uncover their mothers hair as she has tea with the neighbors. Unfortunately its knotted feature can be undone sausing undue embarrassment because once undone its not easy to instantly put a scarf back on, the snood can be put right back on- oh the convenience of a snood. Unravel a scarf and its like untying the knot in your bellow button, intestines spilling out all over the place and you trying to stuff them back in before anyone notices, your hair if you have any flying in the breeze and you standing in a phone booth trying to retie the scarf.

I recently saw baseball caps on some site that were $32 a piece because they were “rabbinical approved” I found that silly since, anything that does the job of c=fully covering ones hair is fine, why need that extra approval. I know why, its because now they can charge 4 times the amount of a normal baseball hat. Well, baseball hats are like half lampshade hats, they fend off the bright sunrays in the summer, and when worn backwards they can signal a sense the Fonze or Zack Morris coolness that other hats simply do not implore. What frum women wouldn’t want to be like the Fonze, cap backwards, leather hooker boots, Harley Davidson jacket and a chic handbag, while yakking on her Bluetooth blackberry in line at some random sushi place. The brimof the baseball cap is also extended farther away from the face then the lampshade brim, and therefore can act as a gutter when the rains come and there are no awnings in site to stand under.

By far the worst head coverings in terms of function and cost are the sheitle and fall. While they do make the women look far more attractive then she normally would the sheitle and fall are way to expensive for their lack of functionality and there abilities it terms or wind and rain resistance. The fact that when you get one of these hair pieces wet- the women always freak out I know based on my limited knowledge and limited connections to the sheitle macher network kit must cost a fortune. The only sheitle macher’s I know were the fictional characters from Shuley Hillfaygalchs fashion show.

In terms of attracting men and vying for the Hot Channie appeal nothing works quite like the fall. For some reason the fall makes all women look hot and underage. With the invention of the fall I am at a loss with being able to tell who in fact s married or just a tween or teenager wearing a headband. Both are illegal so I guess its fine. You simply cannot be a hot channie and garner the stares of all the married men you meet without the help of a fall, possibly one of those sheitles with payment plan will do, but a fall is way better, for struttin’ your stuff as you stroll down central avenue doing your shake your booty, and clop your loud hooker boots on the sidewalk.

This leads me to the best hat of all, the beret. The beret is convenient and not too ugly, in fact I think its kinda hot, frames the face of the wearer and allows an easy on and off and well as less wind resistance as any of the other hats and coverings mentioned. Unfortunately you may have to go to a “pimp your hat” store because the lack of a spoiler makes for difficult times when running into a headwind. Rear add on spoilers like the kind you see on Honda Civics everywhere are almost as necessary as a turned down brim on men’s hats.

Robes are for another time. Robes to me are like sweatpants, you go out in them, but only for things like getting a bottle of milk or getting the mail. When worn on leisurely strolls on Ocean Parkway robes suck. Although if I were a women I would probably wear only robes- they look so comfortable.