One of the main focuses of my yeshiva high school education was that masturbation is wrong and I will to hell if I waste any little drop of semen that contains the potential of millions of lives. It was beat into us, no pun intended, that we should avert our eyes from sexy billboards, sports illustrated swimsuit editions and any pritzus walking down the street. Of course these warnings fell on deaf ears and not only did we not heed them we meaning everyone who wasn’t married whether they were in high school or beis medresh looked at swimsuit editions in the library, the escort ads in the back of the alternative newspapers and stared intently at sexy billboards that came at us from every direction.
Still unrelenting we were preached to about the dangers of women and how spilling your seed or as they called it “zera levatala” would bring us to madness and eventually gehenom. Kurace and all sorts of other things were preached to us before every holiday and at every mussar shmuz. Every high school is like this, because what else do teenagers do with their time except choke the kishke.
What I never understood was how heterim for birth control were legal in any way shape or form. After all if spilling seed was such a huge sin how could one waste it even though they were legally allowed to do their wife? Of course I and many of my single readers will want to get that sought after heter for the right to pop some contraceptives in order to shtup freely without the worry of children until they get to “know” their wives better. How did this come about that all of the sudden, now that someone is married they can waste their seed? What’s the deal, man if they ad heterim for masturbation I am sure it beat out the heter for birth control as the most seeked heter. I am sure Rabbis would even auction of these heter’s on Ebay.
I was almost married and of course all I thought about was sex and birth control. All the girl thought about was kids, the first time she mentioned kids, I unknowingly blurted out “KIDS” who said anything about kids? And then it dawned on me that developing a good strategy to get a heter for birth control is essential for engaged people every where. Now I understand that heter shopping is assur and I don’t even think heters for birth control should be given out so freely, though I will fight for my heter, with covert operations and all sorts of planning.
I have come to the understanding that the traditional. “We can’t afford to have kids yet.” Usually doesn’t fly, it’s the most common excuse and probably used the most. It would have been my excuse, ten dollars an hour is hardly enough to buy diapers every week, unless you use washable loin cloths.
You see the whole heter for birth control bothers me because, if they give them out for BC why not for masturbation? After all the seed is being wasted. Can you imagine the people asking for heterim for masturbation? “But Rabbi I cant concentrate in shuir anymore, I need a release.” “Rabbi what do you know, your married and can satisfy your needs anytime.” Or maybe they can use the money excuse, “Rabbi I cant afford to get married, so in the meantime.”
I was thinking that someone should come out with a playbook of the chief strategies used in order to secure a good birth control heter, I don’t mean one of those “6 month training” heterim. I mean a good solid “2 years-we know each other and are ready to raise a child together” heters. If someone were to come out with this book they could also have a list of Rabbeim that people have had experience with and rate them based on their willingness to give a heter. You can also have maybe a mail order heter, like one of those fake high school diploma’s that folks get online, just so they can show other people their plaque. Do people actually get a heter certificate anyway to prove to their nosy neighbors that they have a halichically sanctioned right to waste sperm in order to grow in a husband and wife realm?