Chumra of the month club what will they ban next?
They could ban all women’s gyms since, they partake in unztnius activities even though its behind closed doors. Also the better shape women are in, the more likely they are to leave their overweight beer bellied husbands. Maybe they could make women wear their robes and snoods in the gym so none of the women become attracted to each other. Are they wearing red in the gym? ASSUR. I heard the gym has website, maybe inadvertently some of the ladies will see the computer and al of the sudden become addicted to such goshmiyus. You know what’s next don’t ya? That’s right folks, if you attend even a single sex gym it leads to aishes ish gangbangs on craigslist.
They should ban all leafy greens that aren’t power washed with a fire hose. It creates shayillas whether or not the person was bodek and you know we can’t really trust anyone anymore ever since the Monsey chicken fiasco. Oh and we also are heavily vested in the new greenhouse grown veggie operation in Lakewood, but you don’t have to tell anyone. Everyones who eats collard greens wants to assimilate and become like a shvartza chas v’shalom. Spinach is so secular, it has this protestant suburban appeal and we cant let any heimishe yidden become involved in such shmuts.
We should ban cars, since cars encourage small families and the illegal use of birth control. Owning a car leads to wasting your seed, you get kurace for that you know? Small cars are also highly attractive and therefore very untznius, especially any car that is colorful. Maybe they will make it halacha that all bumpers need to be held on with bungee cords and string cheese- only cholov yisroel of course.
I think girls cannot rollerblade anyway due to more untzniusdicka reasons- but also because it allows ladies to go off on their own and explore and we want none of that. It also allows for exercise, Lipa Fruma Baila cant get rid of those thighs or she wont do well having 15 kids, and claiming workers comp. While we are at it we should ban all modes of transportation including driving- oh wait we did that already. Oops, wel I guess you can drive in the backseat, and cover your eyes with your turban so you don’t see any folks of the opposite sex.
Maybe they should just ban women from going anywhere. You know if you just do one sweeping ban- then you wont have to go through all this paper explaining your ridiculous notions to the Jewish Press and Jewish Week every time something crazy gets banned in Charediville. Ah, but then we don’t get enough press. We have to slowly crush them and all their rights. Maybe we will ban walking during daylight hours for women- since in the day time their black and blue outfits can easily be seen, while at night they meld in- so it is not revealed if they are men or women. Yes but what if you bump into one of the women- horrible- well then we will ban walking outside all together. Maybe we can just never teach them to walk. From the time they are children we have the charedi women practice birthing breathing and thrusting of their hips. Great Idea Rebbe!
There is talk already to ban cell phones or any other device that allows internet access. If someone is willing to watch a porno video on a cell phone screen they must be real desperate. Oh, look Moishy I see a hair follicle, damn I thought it was a nipple? Maybe someone in the charedi community will figure out how to rig one of the Mishna Pods given away in the Jewish papers to receive an online connection. It can be like survining on a deserted island with nothing but a Mishna Pod and a stick of old bubbleblast chewing gum. The Chasidim need a McGuyver within their community so they don’t have to lie about not having the internet or a TV in their homes. Watching smut on an I-pod cant be as bad for your eyes as a cell phone, that extra inch works wonders. But it seems to me that the Mishna Pods preach materialism and gashmyus. They can ban them too, since by getting a Mishna Pod you are being exposed to the outside world. What ever happened to the days of learning out of the text?
Going to the Catskills hasn’t been banned yet because Woodbourne doesn’t have its own craigslist. Once it does, I can assure you the banning will begin. The Woodbourne casual sex section will be bursting at the seems from lonely wives whos only option until shabbos are the Niveh guys who work at Dougies or the Country Café in South Fallsburgh. Missed connections will be big too, saw you the other day at Fialkovs bakery, you were wearing white and black and I was wearing a turban with a small amount of shaven head poking through- you could see he florescent lights reflecting off of my shaven dome.
Hatzolah lights should be forced to change colors to black and white sine the current colors are too loud and cause attention. Yes but attention is what we want a local hatzolah man will say. Oh, yes the Rabbi will respond, just honk those horns and get rid of the lights. Why!?!? Because its ASSUR. While I am on this red pens are also banned.
All secular brands of anything will eventually be banned- since the Charedi community hold no allegiance or has no investments in the OU. Es a big fight will ensue and further divide the Modern and the Frummies. But what the Rabbis say stands- you must eat leibers potato chips, blooms and paskez candies, season sardines and hadar mayonnaise. Even though many companies just put their sticker over some generic condiments- the label ensures the trustworthiness that people have in Heimishe Hechsherim. Also what if someone won a prize from a secular food, what will the do with it, such shtus. Like those free toys in cheerios boxes. Besides that yellow draws too much attention.
Women should be banned from shull, because sometimes folks may peek over the mechitza even though it resembles the Berlin Wall more than a 30 tifachim separation. If they ban shull, then they can ban walking, since the women don’t need to go anywhere. Ok I think we need to stop women from being born. You figure that all they need women for is cooking, breast feeding, and baby making. Well all of that can probably be done without women. We can clone babies, buy formula, and well yeh who are we gonna have sex with? That may be an issue, wait, we can roam the craigslist ads for frum men who want sex. Problem solved.