We have all heard about folks who ask ridiculous questions when conducting back round checks for potential shidduchim for their children or relatives. The famous question of whether the folks who bring the plates in from the table tend to stack or scrape is about he stupidest and most famous one of all time. Please note that this guide is in regards to the yeshivish type folks who wear black hats, listen to Hasc concerts and think big fleishigs is the greatest thing since Oreos became kosher. Unfortunately Oreos are cholov stam and therefore are still deemed treife by many.
Do you drink secular soda or use the heimish brands of mayim chayim and be’er mayim? Sometimes the secular soda brands have untznius pictures and Croxmas ads on them.
Does your cholent contain lentils? since lentils are more of a secular bean.
Do you support heimish brands of candy blooms and paskez? Do I hear shabbos party with take home pekelach for the kinderlach.
What color are your table cloths? Black and red are too modern.
What material are they made of? Plastic is mad ghetto.
Do you stack or scrape your plates when clearing the table? scraping is a sign of laziness
Does your family drink tap water? Bugs in the water.
Does your family drink New Square orange juice of Tropicana? We cannot support he goyim even if they make a better product that costs less.
Do you eat half sour or full sour pickles? Half sour pickles may signal a bissle faygalah.
Does your stockings have a seem on the back of them? Gotta make sure you aren’t showing those veiny pale legs of yours.
Your bungalow has a 30 foot tall barbed wire fence around the pool to prevent peeping toms? Oh yes shaved haded women in robes swimming are a big turn on.
Did you participate in sheitle burnings? If not you may be wearing a wig used for avodah zarah
Do you wear a robe and snood whenever possible? If not you may be too attractive and that sends untznius signs to the children, and my child cannot marry into such shtus
Do you use any other brand of potato chip besides leebers?
On your walls is the artwork all heimish and charedish?
Did you attend the Siyum Hashas? How many years in a row?
Did you ever make a Siyum Hashas?
Do you daven in a basement shteible?
Does your shull have fixed seats and pews? Because only “modern shulls” have fixed seats
Do you serve red or white chrain? Red is much more chushov then white- and if your family has no yichus, the least you could do is be chushov before my child marries into it
Do you have any famous lineage?
Are you rich? The shidduch way of asking is, “so nu her parents are comfortable eh?”
Would go to a hotel that had mixed swimming some of the time? Clearly not frum if they answer yes.
You eat non-gebrokts only right? Because the saliva in your mouth may cause the matzo to turn into bread.
Are you a Republican? Because Jews love the right wing party for some reason
Do your children say the ma-nishtana in Yiddish, and Hungarian?
Do you support throwing stones at cars that drive on shabbos? Of course
Do you have any children that are nebachs, off the derech, attend priority one, etc…? Cant have any bad influences.
At this point in the conversation reasonable folks will usually ask if they would like to know more about the actual PERSON they are seeking this information about. To which the interrogator who is usually from the girls side will respond that this is much more important than anything since. The family where the girl/guy comes from is key. So they will automatically know if the girl has good middos and is mature based on whther the family uses the right soda and chrain on shabbos.
Do you use bottled water without a hashgacha?
Does anyone in your family wear denim of any way shape or form? Our family is strictly complying with the recent chumra of the month club ban of denim skirts. We figured we build a fence as they say and ban any denim including purses, shoes, hats anything.
Do you let your family read Harry Potter? It is considered sorcery and idol worship according to many in yeshivish circles
Does your family use lego and other building games on shabbos?
Has any of your extended family attended Yeshiva University at any time? An automatic disqualifier for many.
Do you have the full set of Rebbe cards? How can you not?
Do you have the obligatory black and white pictures of Rav Aaron, Rav Moshe, and Rav Shach hanging in your foyer? All pious people must have these
If your son happens to wear striped shirts can you tell me the widths of the stripes and the space at which they are placed apart? Some yeshivas will measure stripes to make sure they are not to “modern” chas v’shalom.
Was Ushpizim the only movie you ever saw? Real yeshivish Jews don’t see movies.
Do you consider Shlock Rock Jewish music? Of course not it’s a goyishe zach.
Are you or your spouse Baal Teshuvas? Even though BT’s should be highly respected they have a negative connotation within the shidduch realm. Kind of like oy he’s little more modernish.
Do the salads you make consist of anything other then power washed star-k dole lettuce? How can you find the time to check for bugs, what a pain.
When making salmon is it only with that white dill sauce? A frummy fave, seen at virtually every simcha around the tri-state area, though the soggy broccoli and crasin salad is becoming the current overdone crappy fair at weddings.
Does any of the females in your family wear the color red? Another chumra brought to you by the charedi chumra club.
Do your children spit at stare like zombies whenever a goy comes to close to them? Other wise known as the Boro-Park Stare.
Do you wear shiny black velvet or normal? The shinier the more frum you are.
Do you wear 4 or 6 piece velvet yarmulkes? The 6 piece are also for more frum people. Kind of like a sinking ship the more compartments you have the more likely you are to stay afloat when the nisrynos get too tough.
Do you know where to get the heimishe hoagie at? Only big fleishigs has such a thing, how about a chulent burger.
Is your bumper being held on by bungee cords and duck tape? The more yeshivish you are- the shittier your car.
Do you have at least one car magnet of The Shmuz? The frummest thing since those put the brakes on loshon harah bumper stickers.
Do you have a real rov or do you go heter shopping? So he didn’t give you that heter fo birth control, I know a rov that will.
Do you read Mishpacha magazine? The only frum magazine besides readers digest which is reserved for the bathroom.
The secular books you have, are they only for reference and not for pleasure? Oh I love to pour through the thesaurus whenever time allows.
The benchers in your house are only from simchas nisuyin? Because having benchers that say “wedding of” prove you went to modern events, a big no no, what if there was mixed seating chas vshalom.
You know all the peroshim on the gemara right?
You make sure to throw in Yiddish phrases when learning? Zuchta gemara or frechta Rashi.
You are boycotting France right? Because your either with us or against us in the words of Bush.
Saturday nights are spent at home eating leftovers for melave malka right? Because the pizza stores these days are such hangouts.
You would never let your children go to Woodbourne on a Saturday night? Of course, God forbid they talk to the opposite sex.
If you have a TV it is hidden from the children yes? Oh yeh we smuggled it into Lakewood in an air conditioner box and had the carpenter make us a secret closet behind our mirror in our living room. No one will ever know, except when the TV room installer starts a blog bashing all the frum hypocrites who are his customers. But don’t worry all are children go to yeshivas that don’t allow TV or internet, the secret is safe and we lied on the forms.
Golden flow or New Square milk? New Square spoils faster but our yichus comes from the Skvere Rebbe- so lets hope you use the right one. Cholov stam you say. I am sorry but the shidduch just wont work. Breast milk is parve though.
Do you have a really loud obnoxious ring on your cell phone that tends to ring in nice restaurants followed by you answering? Oh then your very charedish
Do you clean up in after yourself in pizza stores? No that’s the Mexicans job- good answer.
Do you make sure your children have greasy peyos behind their ears?
Do your children all have vests and button up sweaters? It’s the tween look. Don’t forget those clip-on ties.
Are you a member of hatzolah?
Do you at least make sure to drive on the shoulder on Friday afternoons during the route 17 erev shabbos rush to the mountains? No! – I just don’t think the shidduch is shayich- we need some parents who are rude and heimishe.
Do you eat at the Monday night Dougies all you can eat buffet? Of course and we pile on our to go plates, even though the kid is always telling us not to.
Do you turn up your walky-talky as you come into shull?
Do you stand around the bima and talk during shull?
Do you think Matisyahu is a good influence? SHTUS
Do you have those light switch covers for shabbos? How do you expect for me to remember I cannot switch on and off lights on shabbos?
Do you use tissues on shabbos? No we all cut our own sheets, tissues are assur haven’t you heard.
What type of herring and kichel do you like?
Iz zuchta Idish? Ich veis Nisht.
Ok I am exaggerating a bit, but happens to be that I hear stories every week and read about them in old copies of the Jewish Press, Yated, Mishpacha and other frummy news papers that feature articles about how stupid questions perpetuate the shidduch crisis. Does it really matter if you wear a shiny or plain velvet yarmulke? Or whether you like spinach so you are willing to wash it and be bodek it? Or whether or not paskez or twizzler licorice is used? Come on how can people be serious about marrying their kids off when they result to these crazy interrogations.