I stared at the beautiful blonde frummy girl at the counter, what I hottie I thought to myself as I speared a fry with my fork, swirled it around some cheese and made sure to complete the act with my fingers grabbing ever so slightly some pieces of onion and kidney beans. I ate a mouthful of the semi-decent chili fries which my friend had paid for, and due to that they weren’t half bad. You see when you pay for something at it sucks, the suckiness is amplified by the loss of money that was a companion to the crappy thing you just bought. Kind of like when I went to see Borat and my buddy paid, oh I was so happy because, I really didn’t find it entertaining and wouldn’t have wasted to 2 hours and money on it in the first place, but since he paid, well that made the movie a better experience and detracted from its suckiness.
The hot frummie girl with long straight blonde hair, a white shirt covered by one of those long button up hooded sweaters that were popular a few years back brought our pizza pie to our table. I checked her out and decided to keep checking her out and maybe I would get a stare back. You know stare at some girl your never gonna see a again, why not. I was rather smelly from a full day of riding indoors at a large skatepark, and rather scruffy with my scraggly hair and having not shaved for a few weeks a half grown in beard, this was fine with me. I am sick of being clean cut and caring how I look, the last couple years working in desk jobs, wearing my suit every day, finally I could go back to the weirdo with the hair and the baggy clothes.
The pizza was actually really good, and got me to thinking how in the Midwest the lack of customers causes the food to be made to order. In other words its fresh. I NYC you walk into a pizza store and you know the pizza has been sitting out in room temp for 3 hours maybe even from the night before, you also know the illegal immigrant making your pizza probably doesn’t use soap and that the cockroach you just saw scurry under a table may have just as well been running over your pizza, if your in the Catskills its worse with all the flies and little chasidish kids touching all the stuff in the salad bar before they even serve it. So I sat watching the frummy girl and deciding that she probably washes her hands and probably doesn’t pick her crotch on the job.
The fries were of the mushy type, not my cup of tea; the pizza on the other hand was also of the mushy, doughy, light colored edible crust that doesn’t flake off when ever you take a bite, unlike the mushy fries I was all about the pizza. Nope this was good pizza, not very filling because I guess those people in Cleveland like small pieces, but hey it was a good meal. My favorite pizza store happens to be in the Midwest as well, Jerusalem Pizza in Detroit is a rather interesting establishment. They too do not have ready made stuff and therefore everything is fresh. They have the most amazing garlic cheese sticks ever and one of the only reasons I ever go to Detroit is to drool and fantasize about those cheese sticks, they are orgasmal shall we say. They also have the weirdest pizza you can imagine, though I stick to traditional eggplant or jalapenos, different pizzas they have are kishke, pineapple, salmon, a bunch of combo pizzas, falafel, cholent, you name it they have it.
While I am on pizza I should talk about good kosher fries or the lack of them. I need some crunch and some nice skinny almost anorexic fries, you know, the Mcdonalds kind. That’s right those skinny ones that come in a little bag. I have only been able to find the skinny ones en-masse in Toronto, for some reason every kosher establishment in this Canadian city has those skinny fries. Tov-Li makes especially good ones as does Markeys, also bais burger- though all their other stuff tastes like ass. In NY the fries are too mushy, you bite in expecting that crunh and your teeth sink into mushy potatoes, I would have ordered a baked potato instead man, I always think out loud. Burgers bar got it right by frying up slices of potato rather then prefab frozen fries that are just thrown in the fryer.
One last slice sprinkled with tons of oregano and a few last looks at the blonde frummy chick behind the counter and I am outside davening mincha by my car. Then I am on the phone with a buddy who lives in the area. Dude you gotta check out this chick in Izzis Pizza place. “Hot isn’t she”oh you know her. “Yeh she has a serious bf” So does that detract from her hotness?