Parshas Shimos: Seen in a New Light

I have been asked by one of the Rabbi’s in town to help him rewrite his “Torah Times’ newsletter whic takes the torah portion and converts it into easy to read “news” stories that non-religious or religious hebrew school students can understand and find entertaining. I just started thinking of things tonight and they require a sufficeint knowlegde of the specific parsha. Out of the four articles below I like the one concerning the Union Strike and the Partial birth Abortion. Please any feedback is appreciated- I happened to pick Shimos out of random.

Pharaoh legalizes partial birth abortion to stem rampant population growth of the Hebrews.

In shocking decision yesterday the Egyptian Legislature has passed a bill to force midwives to perform partial birth abortions on all male Hebrew babies. Astrologists Bill # 613 states that midwives are expected to carry out partial birth abortions on all new male babies bore to any Hebrew women. The bill’s support memo states: that due to the unfortunate rise in the population of the Hebrews regardless to the backbreaking labor forced on them by earlier Pharaoh Administrations, their population has continued to rise threatening the vitality of the Egyptian government. The speaker of the Astrologers has found evidence of a potentially dangerous male who will lead the Hebrews against the Egyptians and therefore we have been able to garner a majority of bipartisan support for this bill.

An insider at EP(Egyptian Press) network news has leaked to us possible information that this legislation was eased out of committee because the new administration does not recognize the achievements of former EDA (Egyptian Department of Agriculture) Chairman Joseph Jacobson, who was in fact a member of the Hebrews. The new Pharaoh apparently disregards Joseph Jacobson’s achievements in the 7 year famine during the previous Pharaohs Administration and with the wave of his hand reduces Chairman Joseph Jacobson’s achievements to just another page in the Legislative Libraries records.

The Goshen County Midwives Association is calling this decision an outrage and say they will appeal the decision. Insiders in the organization tell us that for fear of the higher powers beyond those of the Astrologist Majority that the chief executive midwives Shifrah and Puah have decided to protest the legislation in secret and help the male babies rather then hurt them.

We will be having continued updates from the new Pharaohs legislative chambers, and live coverage of the Astrologer parties’ public hearings and committee meetings.

Celebrity Marriage:

It’s not surprising that today comes the announcement of another celebrity marriage. First it was Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes and now its Moses Rabeinowitz and Tzipporoh Tull. That’s right folks Moses Rabeinowitz heir to the Levite Strauss fortune has married the daughter of Jethro Tull former rock star who has taken a position as minister of the Village of Midian and has assumed the name Ruel, according to sources there.

Moses and his wife Tzipporah are forgoing their honey moon in place of the upcoming elections in which Moses Rabeinowitz will be the only candidate vying for the position of chief negotiator with the Egyptian administration. The elections are still pretty far off and according to entertainment weekly Moses will be utilizing his sheepherding skills to run his father in laws side business.

We caught up with Moses at the well, prior to his marriage to Tzipporah.

Reporter: So Moses I hear that you murdered an Egyptian man, is this true?

Moses: That is why I am here trying to get away from my estranged father, who may I say is not my biological father, it was in self defense really, I saw him hitting another man who happened to be a Jew. You know how people talk, they see one thing and by the time it got back to my father, well I had to run away.

Reporter: So tell me Moses, why are you sitting at this well?

Moses: My ancestors always knew the well was the place to meet the chicks.

Reporter: Maybe I should try that some time, never knew it was the hangout these days. Before I go do you have any recommendations for the types of wells with the best chance of picking up some girls?

Moses: I heard your best chances are the ones that may be covered with rocks.

Reporter: Well I thank you Moses, and good luck with finding your girl.

So there it is folks a true master in the art of picking up chicks. I would have never thought of it, but the truth speaks. The team at Torah Times wishes Moses and Tzipporah Rabeinowitz the best of luck at all their endeavors.

Hebrew Local 1103 Threatens Strike

Elders have appointed Moses and Aaron chief labor negotiators with Building Department head Pharaoh. The union bosses have come to Pharaoh to request a 3 day thanksgiving holiday to which the Department chair has flat out refused.

Moses and Aaron claim that the Building Department has decided to increase the workload due to the chief labor negotiators asking for such lunacy. Pharaoh has told the taskmasters in charge of the countries main project to withhold the needed straw for making bricks efficiently, he has cited laziness and has stated that the quota of bricks will remain the same, but cut backs are needed and the Hebrew Builders Union 938 will just have to get off their lazy behinds and stop taking so many breaks.

Hebrew Local 1103 Foremen’s Union has not yet agreed to the new measures and has thus taken a beating from the Building Department Taskmasters which oversee the construction site. The taskmasters association has continually reported below quota brick making for the month of June and the building department has given them permission to whip the taskmasters into shape or else the laborers will get it.

Get what? This question is chief labor negotiators Moses and Aarons biggest fear at he moment.

Burning Bush Grill Co

Announcing the latest technological invention from Burning Bush grill Company

Through unbelievable miracles in the advancement of technology we bring you the newest in cooking innovation. The Moses 3000 will completely engulf your meat in flames while you stand by and watch as you meat is grilled to your specifications in this miracle machine. The Moses 3000 will cook your meat through its supernatural forces and you will be amazed at the miracles it will perform for any cook.

Simply place the meat in the grill, close the lid, press the red button adjust the dial to your desired tenderness and walah. Your meat is completely engulfed in flames, yet it does not show any signs of being consumed. This grill is only available for a limited time, it make your guests feel like they witnessed a miracle.

Order the Moses 3000 for a limited time and receive your free autographed Walking stick by the inventor of the Moses 3000 himself.

Just 3 easy payments of $39.95 plus $4.95 shipping and handling.

Send Check or Money order to:

Burning Bush Grill Co.
PO Box 11298
Midian Province

Be sure to specify the Moses 3000 special seen in Torah Times to receive your walking stick absolutely free.