More labels that didn’t make it to the main list:
Sheitle Hookers– You those women you see walking down central avenue in the five towns, wearing a tight leather skirt, hooker boots, breasts falling out of their shirts as long as they have their sheitle on. This is thanks to a compliment about this post on Krumasabagel.blogspot.com – he has a link that says it’s the funniest post he has read and someone suggested this category. Unfortunately I do not have nay more to say about it.
BT Deniers – You became frum and decided to leave your entire past behind you, and never admit that you had contact with the opposite sex, listened to goyishe music, and know who Pete Townsend is. You deny your past completely and whenever someone wants to talk about some great concert you went to or other goyishe event as you call them, you say that you have no idea what they are talking about. The response from your friend is usually because you were too drunk or stoned to remember. Then you say that it is a sin to bring up someone’s past. Your wife is probably from a hardcore frummy family, and is completely innocent and has no idea what you did in your former life as the member of an 80s metal hair band. You secretly long for those years but never tell anyone. You wish your wife was as wild as your former girlfriends, one night stands, or groupies. At least alcoholism is encouraged amongst your homies at the Kiddush club and you can pretend you are back at the frat house.
Wacky BT – Even though the role said mezonos on the wrapper the guy had to wake me up on a flight to Israel while I was clearly sleeping, so that he could be machmir and wash hamotzi. The female cashier must be told t put the change on the counter for fear of breaching the laws of shomer negia. You must break all the dishes that were previously used with cholov stam. You shield your eyes when walking past untznius billboards and tear out all the underwear ads in your local newspaper. You shield your ears in shull when some women sing along with the davening. For girls many of your former hobbies are considered untznius. Hiking, skiing, painting or any other fun activitiy is assur even if done in full tzniusdicka clothing. Painting is not allowed because it is showing men another side of womn that they cannot see. Red anything is not-tznius. If you are on a shidduch date you tell the girl not to wear her seat belt because it separates the breasts and makes them more enticing. Matisyahu is considered goysihe music by your standards as well as Shlock Rock. You became frum through chabad but now you call them apicorsim and learn at Aish.
Frum From Modern (FFM) or Frum From Seminary (FFS)
After attending Frisch, Ramaz, Flatbush, Hafter, Sar, Chat, Ida Crown, or a number of other modern orthodox high schools and then doing your year in Israel at one of those nerdy wacky Zionist schools like Gush, Shalevim, Hakotel, etc… Or maybe you spent your year at OJ, OD, or maybe even derech at Ohr Someyach, you have become a frummy. You have discarded your old knit yamy and donned the velvet and maybe even a black hat. All of the sudden your CD collection has went from Mettalica and GnR to MBD and Avraham Fried. You took the TV out of your room and have switched from YU to Lander College, or from Columbia to YU your folks are freaking out and are trying to calm your craziness down. You refuse to talk to any of your female friends, citing that unless for marriage there is no point. You do not go to the same shull as your parents anymore and have begun a seder at the local kollel or Shar Yashuv style institution. Your views have become extremist right wing and your old school democratic parents fear that you voted for Bush.
Off the Derech (OTD) In 1996 after the famous Jewish Observer issue that started a frenzy within the frum community it was discovered that frum kids not only listened to non-Jewish music and talked to girls here there but, they actually enjoyed sex, drugs, and more drugs. The symptoms were originally described as. First my son shmuely started wearing his yarmulke on the front of his head, then he tsarted called eretz yisroel Israel, and then he started using the term upstate instead the mountains and all of the sudden y dear shmuely started banging the rokeach girl from around the corner and snorting crack off of toilet seats in the back of Big Fleishigs. And so the OTD generation was born. With it came Priority One and a big enrolment spike at yeshiva’s like Niveh and Ner Yaakov. Avenue J became the Saturday night place to be for all the young up and coming hockers who only listened to Metallica and who were thrown out of Chaim Berlin because they hung out outside at the Purim party. Woodbourne became the place that Rabbeim told parents not to let their kids go and there were ads in the Jewish Press about drug intervention programs for “at risk teens”. There exists now a whole bunch of these types occupying seats in the classrooms of Touro and becoming Mortgage brokers and in Queens. They usually retain the look because once yeshivish always yeshivish, but the look is all that remains.
Jewish American Princess (JAP) – Many consider this label to be degrading and derogatory. I seldom use it just because I try my hardest to never come in contact with them. It is of common theory that JAPS only reside in the tri-state area but this has proven itself to be totally untrue. I have traveled almost the entire contnent and have found there to be JAPS pretty much every where. Even the last place I would have expected JAPS to be present there were, yes in Alaska I found a couple JAPS. They tend to reside in certain areas though Five Towns, is most notable and for some reason Monsey is high on my list as well as Westchester County and the girls in SUNY Albany who are mostly from Long Island. JAPS tend to be oversized teeny boppers, they adore shows like Laguna Beach and the OC and they love MTV and all it stands for- this only applies to non-yeshivish JAPS. All JAPS love the mall and fancy cell phones and constantly playing with their cell phones. The higher class JAPS shop at Gucci and Versace while the lower class ones settle for Banana Republic and Abercrombie or H & M. JAPS are usually into shopping, hanging out with friends and talking on the phone. It is rare but there are some cool and interesting JAPS out there. I have met JAPS who are atists, musicians, extreme sports fans, and are outdoorsy, though the latter is the rarest of all because “oops I broke a nail” is all too common in the woods. Their favorite hangout is usually at Starbucks and when they drink alcohol it tends to be Smirnoff Ice or some other wine cooler. They tend to think that tinted windows and rims are soooo kewl.
Hatzolahdox– Whenever you walk into shull you make sure everyone can hear your walkie-talkie. You tend to drive around suburbans or escalades with tons of lights and sirens on them. You can be seen driving down the shoulder of route 17 on Friday afternoon with all sirens blaring just to get past traffic. Everyone knows you and you know or make believe to know everyone. You always have a friend who can hook up whoever you are talking to with whatever they need. Your conversations always start out with “I know this cat, he can get you whatever you need”. Conversation usually centers around made up stories, over the crackle of your absurdly loud walkie-talkie. At least two cell phones, blackberries or sidekicks adorn your belt. You pretty much always wear black pants and a white polo shirt. Whenever you see someone you know in shull you make a big scene of it.
Here is a list of labels I have seen used but have no idea what to do with them. Readers it is your job to email me or make comments about them. If you have any different ones please tell me about them.
Email all entries and your name if you want to be mentioned to FrumSatire@gmail.com
YU – Yeshivish
Young Israel Type
Young Israel Yeshivish
Yeshivish but with it
Frum but With it