Why didn’t the shadchun call me back?

I posted about a cool shadchun I met recently so when she called me up recently with a potential shidduch I immediately called her back excited at what she found for me. Well not only did my mood change the second she described her, I also took back any coolness that was shrouded upon her, reversing her cool status in my book. She reverted right back to pushy New York shadchun who figures every one who visits her needs to be thrown a bone once in a while. The following conversation should be spoken in Brooklyn frummy women accent. “Oh this girl is perfect for you, she’s is going for her masters in education and has a pet turtle, and she likes pottery.” So I am sitting there with my clammy hands clutching the phone wondering if there will be any more. Because driving down for some girl who lives in Brooklyn and has a pet turtle is not really worth the $20 in gas and tolls each way. I waited patiently for her to tell me she was my punk rock-skateboard goddess I had been waiting for, or that she enjoyed long walks through the woods carrying 40 pounds on her back while swatting mosquitoes the size of her fist walking 20 miles a day, through the steeps of the northern Rockies. But no I sat there and waited for the good news and finally she spoke and said “oh you would love her she’s off the beaten track, out of the box you know”, no I really don’t know I thought o myself as I decided against a rant reiterating the only thing I asked for. I hadn’t asked for a Barbie, hadn’t asked for out of the box- though that would be natural if she happened to posses the only quality I would look for in a girl. All I ever ask is that they are into the outdoors, not in a summer spent in Camp Sternberg sort of way, but a person of knowledge and want to go prancing through the woods and to hug trees together. By saying this I assume they will be in shape and naturally be somewhat of an outcast within their respective communities unless they happen to be from the mountain time zone.

Well I sat there perturbed with a number in my hand, a 412 area code and a time limit of 2 days until I needed to call. I wasn’t too excited about calling a girl which not only had nothing in common with me, she possessed nothing of interest as well. I guess its good when you call someone and you don’t care too much about making a good impression. This causes you to be yourself. The problem is before a date or phone call, I always give myself a pep-talk about not being so blunt and open and being “normal”, but my personality prevails and bluntness cannot be shut out. I end up either impressing the girl or offending her, its never in the middle. I’m not a middle kind of guy, I am extreme in many ways.

So rather than having sweaty palms and a nervous tongue caught in your throat feeling. I leisurely picked up the phone and called this girl who’s name will remain anonymous. So as I expected I did not find her very interesting, and had nothing in common with her, but she was a talker and that’s always good. I hung up the phone after agreeing to going out with her. Right when I hung up I regretted agreeing. To put it frankly she sounded like a horrible shidduch, and I figured the shadchun threw both of us a bone. After all the girl was renting an apartment on the shadchuns block- no c long distance calls and time spent, just a simple “hey Chaya Bracha have I got a boy for you” and so it went.

So I called up the shadchun the next day and told her my issue. That I did not think it was shayich (yeh I was trying to be cool with the yeshivish lingo) so the shadchun says hold on for a minute, the minute turned into 5 and then 10 and then I was hung up on. That’s fine she’s a busy lady so I called back a few times with no luck and left a message. The next day the same thing, but she did not call me back. Well looks like I have to go out with her I thought to myself. So motzoi shabbos arrived and I was forced to call her up and take her out. So I dressed up in my shidduch best- actually the only thing besides a suit that is void of blood and grease, jeans and a button down shirt. I figure it could look dressy in a really ghetto skater sort of way or casual. Well this girl dressed up, and I could tell based on that first impression of “man this guy/girl is hot” I blew it, well she blew it too. I really don’t do the first impression thing because it doesn’t mater as much as personality. I do size them up in terms of their body mass index deciding if they would be able to handle a 20 mile hike with a 40 pound pack. This girl was skinny but she looked like she does her workouts in a gym- an automatic turnoff by the way. So she was wearing flat bottomed black shoes and some skirt and shirt combo. You know you can see the outline of her boobs but not really. It really just drapes over her body not revealing much- which is fine even better, tzniusdic girls really get your imagination pumping, but this girl did not deserve my imagination for she was just bland. On top of this she had no diea what my name was- who the hell forgets the name of a guy they are supposed to go out with.

Yes she was bubbly and talkative but, she was lacking of any oomph. I need some passion I wanted to scream as we were walking around Barnes and Nobles. But I walked around sensing that she was feeling the same thing. So she told me the shadchun had told her I was into the outdoors, but since she has bad asthma she cannot spend too much time outside in the summer. That would work for road trips, I drive to Alaska and she stays home tends to the kids and churns the butter, but I kind of wanted a mate not an incubator so I figured it wouldn’t work out with us. Actually I decided this in the first 5 minutes. Then we got into a little debate about Lubavitchers and it was over. I have this new thing I try to see how much hatred lies in someone. I like happy folks, you know people who strike up conversations with random people in the street because they have a tattoo they like or because the sweater someone is wearing tickles their fancy.

So as I expected it was a crappy waste of time date. At least it was free, oh how I would have hated to spend money on that date. I don’t mind if I gain something like a good joke, or a good piece of useless information that I can use on future outings to impress the people I am with, with my knowledge of things of no circumstance. But I wasn’t as mad about the date as I was about the shadchun. What’s up with that girlfriend I wanted to call her up and say? Why you be trippin’? What’s with the no call back girl? Why you be frontin on my grill? But to no avail I decided that shadchuns are a free service and it is all for the best. So I didn’t call the shadchun and judging from the way my date slammed the door on her departure from my rather smelly car- I apologized for that- I didn’t need to. And so a month later I hadn’t yet heard from the shadchun which means the chick also disliked me- though I sense she didn’t write a blog about it.