Frum pornstar gets heter from Rebbe

Yeshiva Bochur Gets Heter to be Porn Star

BROOKLYN, NEW YORK – [] Shimmy Goldblatt has a megawatt smile, killer dimples, incredible looks, a rock hard body with six-pack abs and an anatomical feature that has caused his friends to joke that the mohel didn’t take off enough.

Goldblatt knew at a young age that his aspirations were quite different than those of his friends. His fellow kindergarteners were mostly whiling the time away playing with firetrucks and dreaming of unfurling their hoses into burning places. Goldblatt would fantasize about accomplishing greater things. He wasn’t entirely sure what his future would be, but he would certainly use his gift for things other than mere peeing contests.

Puberty brought with it the realization of his aspirations, and Goldblatt spent his Beis Medrash years at the side of the Maikeldigeh Rav, carefully poring over biblical and talmudic texts in search of loopholes that would allow Goldblatt to attain his dreams. The process was exhausting, but Goldblatt had good recovery time and was always ready for more after a smoke and a hot shower.

Today, Goldblatt is the hottest, and only, frum porn star on record. His years of careful study proved to be the money shot which allowed him to pursue his career.

Concerning yichud, the cast and crew present during filming alleviate that concern. Nevertheless, the studio door is left open a wee bit to satisfy any chumras that may exist.

Concerning seeing a woman with her hair uncovered, most of Goldblatt’s costars are single and if they’re not they’re usually adorned with hair extenstions, which qualifies as a sheitel. The Maikeldigeh Rav is always present to inspect for any traces of Indian hair.

Concerning spilling his semen in vain, he doesn’t. Ever. By mandate of the JAPS (Jewish American Porn Stars) organization, all actors must wear condoms. This allows him to fake it and avoid trangression.

Concerning shomer negiah, Goldblatt has endured several intense meditations and numerous desensitization techniques to allow himself to reach a point where he is able to perform his job bli derech chiba.

Being frum has surprising conveniences in this field. For example, music is looped in during post-production, so filming during sfira or the three weeks isn’t a problem. Also, Holy Sheet!‘s don’t need to be purchased, as Goldblatt’s tzitzis can serve in place if his costar is interested in using them.

Goldblatt’s success has caused several members of his group of friends to become interested in his field. Soon, Goldblatt may face some stiff competition. (Ann Onimous)

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