The shidduch crisis VS. non-kosher chickens

It seems that every time I pick up the Jewish Press these days another crisis has taken hold of the Jewish community. First it was the kids at risk, then Indian hair in the wigs, then bugs in the water, non-kosher chickens and finally the shidduch crisis. After reading the more cheery Yated paper I have begun to wonder if the Jewish press is simply another tabloid meant to bring fear, strife and instability to up its readership and sell more ads? The latest front page article of the week was speaking of people being “frum” yet not being “ehrlich”, a big problem since people who look frum are not necessarily frum I can hear the gasps from Monsey to Lakewood as people try and pick up the pieces and point fingers at who this article may be talking about. Oh Yankel I always knew those people showed a little too much scalp in their fancy sheitles”. Or “just because you wear a size 8 yarmulke, doesn’t mean your frummer then I am”.

And so the strife begins once more within the Jewish community. Let us look at the biggest crisis affecting the Jewish community nowadays. That’s right folks the shidduch crisis is huge and growing larger as we speak. Thousands of singles continue to migrate to the Upper West Side from far off places like Passaic and Monsey, these once out of towner out casts are being welcomed with open arms to the Westmont and the Oheb Tzedek singles scenes. The rabbi’s cannot figure out what to do in Baltimore where they have issued sign on bonuses to guys willing to marry a Baltimore girl. Its kind of like a cheap APR on a credit card yet with humans. You know get married and get a cheaper interest rate so to speak. Apparently the abundance of 22 year old girls is growing leaving them only 15 years instead of 19 to pop the babies out. The yeshiva bochur shortage in Baltimore reminds some folks of what is like with no men around during the Second World War. Rather then dating Baltimore girls the Ner Israel guys choose to go to New York, kind of like mining the iron ore in Minnesota and shipping it to South America to made into steel. We are outsourcing our bochrim some Rabbeim say.

Then of course there is the crisis of not enough singles weekends and ones that simply put are not conducive to meeting folks. Chany from Flatbush says that everyone just comes to socialize, and that’s not good enough. Every week in the shidduch articles in the Press one may see all sorts of young girls complaining about people who automatically assume they are either engaged or looking. Last week a girl complained about when her family was furniture shopping in Brooklyn and the women stated that this is beautiful for the Kallah obviously meaning their single daughter. The girl was astonished at her chutzpah saying how dare she assume anything and why do people bug me. Well I say, if you didn’t care so much about it unlike your letter stated, just STFU because if you don’t care what’s the big deal. I think the big deal is this. The more singles if you want to call them this, there are the more ads frumster and Jdate can sell and the more articles the Jewish Press can write about it.

To me it doesn’t seem like a crisis at all, just look at the other crisis- those were far worse and folks were more vocal about it. Bugs in water for instance- people actually demanded water filters and some people even want hechsherim on bottled water. To me its just another way that the mob ahem I mean kasharus agencies can pull fast one on the choomra mongers. With the Indian hair crisis, the Jews instead of say donating their wig to a cancer patient or maybe waiting till bideekas chometz,  went on a rampage and started burning them all over the place- I guess it may have been a little late retaliation for Kristelnacht. Then with the latest commotion of folks having to pay double for non-kosher chickens, oh the outrage. With good reason, no one should have to pay double, and if you had to pay double for treif at least make it something good like a filet minion dinner at Tavern on The Green or something, sheesh what a waste. And then once again the violence ensued with customary plate smashing. Rather then use the plates for something of use they decided they were so pissed at having to pay double and eating treif they started a plate smashing riot in Monsey. I wonder of all the bulimics were laughing as the frummies who ate the chickens were trying desperately to stick their fingers down their throats to cough up any remaining chicken residue that may be still on their stomach linings. Oh no will our eating this chicken hurt our daughters shidduch prospects?

But with regards to the shidduch crisis we have seen no such animal. We have not seen riots of any sort there have been no walk outs at Bais Yaakov schools around the country in protest, and there have been no boycotts of the Upper West Side in which there is an actual community of people who relish their singledom. One would think there would picketers outside of Oheb Tzedek on Friday nights and the Jewish Center on shabbos day to try and prevent scabs from entering. “Hey Scab a young women in hooker boots and a $3000 fall screams at a young single guy, get married unchain us”. Kind of like those “give a get” protests outside peoples place of work.

If it really was crisis one may think that every time I went anywhere I would be bombarded by desperate mothers and shadchunim trying to get me to date their daughters. Why have I not been accosted by screaming old yiddisher mamales every time I gazed at the rotisserie chickens outside of the local take out deli? Where are all these desperate singles? I would love to meet them, or maybe it’s the crisis is just involving nasty looking ones. Are the hot singles complaining or are they relishing in their singledom trying to garner as many dates of free sushi as possible. If I were a girl that’s what I would do, free food baby. Or maybe the Star-K bonus actually worked and the singles in NY are building up so much pressure that the Star-K may be willing to expand the bonus to the NY area.