Have you ever tried to set up a 19 year old girl, who only wants a guy that wears a size 6 yarmulke, wont eat white meat chicken, and wants a TV in the house but only hidden in the bedroom so no one will know? I think not. How about the fat dude that only wants a barbi doll and wont even try to go out with anyone who may be a size two instead of zero? As I thought- no none of you complaining bemoaning singles have to deal with this crap day in and day out. Sucking down Starbucks frapachinos as you sit in front of your blinking excel spreadsheet trying desperately to help these singles. Cast down in society these singles seek respite from round robin seating and trivial pursuit ice breakers at dilapidated hotels in the Catskills. No more shall we have to suffer through barely cooked food at the homowack and sit through conferences on how to find our basheret, no more will I attend a shuir on meeting my soul mate at shull.
No we decide to put our burden on the backs of those few great Jews willing to lend a hand, willing to deal with fat guys who want beauties or girls who want a specific yarmulke size. Instead we feel that a free service available to almost every yid is the to go. No we never appreciate the behind the scenes Shidduch meetings in Detroit, Monsey, and Baltimore. We judge and decide it is their fault for setting us up with the wrong girl. Rather than a thank you for your FREE service- we complain and say What the heck were you thinking? I was thinking you’re a fat slob who wants a barbi doll and wont admit it so you blame me- no they respond with kind caring words of encouragement and try and sort out the situation.
To some shadchunim are the closest thing to the devil. How can she ask me that? That’s none of her business. Oh why do they have to be so nosy? Nosy- do you want to role over one morning and see your partners sex offender tag blinking in the morning light the day after your wedding? Do you want to find out that your tofu eating, tree hugging, Dead Head self is married to a gun toting Bush supporter? Prying is the job of the shadchun- they do all the hard stuff for you. Instead of your heart stuck in your throat every time you approach that cutie munching on kishke at some shull on the upper west side- the shadchun does it. Next time you eat at a meal and cannot muster the guts to approach that super hot dude who just said that dreamy dvar torah- remember the shadchuns around the world who single-handedly support Starbucks and pepridge farm- approaching all those unapproachable ben-torah’s for you.
Next time you are shifting nervously on that couch at the Midtown Marriot Marquee staring at the little red straw dangling in your cup and trying not to crunch on the ice too loudly, imagining that this awkward silence will never end- remember someone worked very hard to get you here and if you are a girl the trip was free and the food is free.
Jeez the free food should be enough to thank the shadchun for- that piece of sushi you just savored- and the fact you could escape from talking for 4 minutes- should be some of the first things you tell the shadchun after your date. For the guys out there- how about the ability for all those onlookers to say “man I wish I had someone to talk to tonight”. Always start with the good for the shadchun, I do, well she was rockin- I just wasn’t attracted- why all the strife? Don’t start yelling at this caffeine laden women about you wasted my time. She just spent all her free time on YOU. Now suck it up and be a mentch.
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