That fake laminated wood that to be even called wood or anything related to wood, would in fact make the parents of wood otherwise known as trees embarrassed. So fake is this wood, that it cannot be carved, knocked on, or even provide one who scrapes their hand against it- with any sort of bruise at all. The white rat-race style phone that is faced diagonally toward me staring at me from the left of my chair. Its worn browning once white over used numbers beckon me to make my free outgoing instate calls, to people I don’t feel like wasting my out of work time and minutes on. This phone, the source of pain in the ass assignments, good news, and conversations with friends, its dangling coiling snake of a line that dangles down and gets caught on my drawer every time I open it. My stack of to-do-stuff, legislation to be passed, constituent letters to citizens complaining about potholes in their streets, their want for license plates supporting victims of prostate cancer, and people trying to ban condom distribution in schools. The sticky notes gracefully, unevenly, semi-peeling- stuck to the half of a wall-back of a bookcase that separates my not-even a cubicle from prying eyes of constituents being lead through the office to our conference room. The Fax machine sits on top of this bookcase, containing old Editions of the laws on NY State, this fax machine further hides my reading of Forbes magazines to the prying eyes of AARP members trying to look and get a glimpse of what really goes on in politicians’ office. Maybe they will catch a glimpse of the stereotypical under the desk catnap or maybe a blowjob from a lobbyist. Of course non of this goes on- but I know those retired folks who are part of one of the most powerful lobbyist groups in the country, read all those tabloids that say it does.
My favorite thing on my desk is the full desk calendar that allows me to write whatever I want on it, oh I just sit there and fantasize about all the concerts I will go to, but never make it. They all seem to fall out on Saturdays. Oh and the large white mug that states “let it snow” filled with pens I have never used and letter openers gathering dust. Why do we need thirty pens and three letter openers on our desks, why must this unused coffee mug proclaiming its love of snow take up those extra 3 square inches of un-needed room on my laminated expanse. Oh and who can forget the rolodex, yes spools of phone numbers that have never been used or even unspoiled. It sits there waiting for its inevitable death in the Assembly recycling room- where all products that cannot be thrown out go- lamps, desks, chairs, and computer monitors. The items doomed to sanctuary in the deep dark throngs of the large dumpsters beckoning weary office workers to pick up these items discarded by their fellow rat racers.
Every desk , even the ones of anti-conformists like myself have the papers, papers scattered like leaves across a field on a late autumn day- they make the desk look like the beginnings of a war zone. Folded papers, half written letters, files waiting to be shoved into their final existence in the back of a rarely opened drawer that needs its tracks lubed every time it happens to be opened. Personal papers, bills, notices from credit card companies warning you not to default on next months payments, specials from sears, coupons from the local grocery store, post its that have lost their tack. Don’t forget the paper clips on the papers- these too are scattered about- creating a maddening cacophony of paper and metal causing papers to be stuck to magazines and newspaper articles to be cling for dear life onto wanton post-its. This madness is all relived by the ever so present never improved brilliant invention- staples, no not the large overbearing red and white suburban store that looms in the distance taking up thousands of square feet at a strip mall near you- no the simple metal staple-along with its partner in crime the stapler. I wonder if they invented another staple if they would be allowed to marry since the original G-d intended union was for staples and staplers. Would there be a constitutional amendment against this forbidden union. Whatever happens be forewarned I don’t think there could ever be better combination of office supplies out there- let us examine this- the paper clip and paper- eh its just not as good- the sticky note and the wall- nope it will inevitably fail- the sticky notes die and the wall is left alone- kind of like an ill fated divorce of office supplies. But a staple and a stapler has no natural death- only the violent force of the evil staple puller- oh how staples fear this monster every where- the Stalinist staple killer- staples are violently pulled from their natural environment of paper and ruthfuly cast aside for a certain death in the garbage can. Staple pullers are not natural- they are awkward and no matter how many staples you have pulled(killed) in your measly rat race existence you will never an expert- it casts senior executives down to mailroom clerk in merely one pull- fumble with that staple and you to will see how ugly it can get- the staples may even fight back- causing cuts and pokes, even blood may sometime be spilled- but ultimately the staple puller wins.
Alone in the corner of my desk slightly slouched over covered with dust, and dandruff, and maybe even some rust, sits my lamp- not only have I never used it- until this moment of reflection I have never noticed it at all. It is black and turned down- with the advent of florescent lights this lamp has been retired but never cast down to the recycling room- no it is so un-noticeable that it has never even garnered the attention of any support staff casting down other various annoying office items. Oh these extra chairs get in the way, or what the hell are we doing with this bulletin board- but the lamp sits quietly is desolation silently awaiting its death- trying to blend in with the rolodex and phone- and doing a good job at it too.
Contained in the top right drawer is the free stuff I have accumulated over 6 months here at my job. Pins supporting court officers, abortion rights, and free prescription drugs. Stickers supporting the various candidates for attorney general and supreme court. Free pens- mounds of them- why should anyone have to pay for pens- bic should be banished.The rest of the drawers contain nothing interesting- yellow and pink time sheets, pay stubs, articles cut out of the morning NY Times, yes the list goes on of the boring contents of a desk drawer. The only other interesting drawer is the food drawer. Ah a little sanctuary in this world of laminated wood, staple pullers and abandoned lamps. This store of food provides good nourishment and respite from those weary drawn out days. Strawberry applesauce, pineapple chunks, hostess cakes- hmmm those fruit pies filled with cherry and enough preservatives per 4 oz serving- I have nothing to keep this sentence going with feel free to give me some comments. Ah snyders garlic bread pretzels. Yes the food drawer is the most exciting part of the desk- its contents hidden from all except me- always forcing me to load up on my sugar daily sugar content.