Kiddush: a short essay

You sit patiently for 3 hours, bored most of time, concentrating some of the time and the rest of time trying to check out the women’s section. Even when you could see the women it still does not suffice. You need FOOD, that warm brown inviting food that you know awaits you at the FREE hot Kiddush, that was announced last night. You have been thinking about it all morning. Will the chulent have meat? Will the potato kugel be the kind made in a food processor or hand grated? Will the luction kugel be soft throughout, or will it be annoyingly crunchy on the top? Will there be chopped liver? Will there be some hotties to stare at? How many old men am I gonna have to knock down to get some creamed herring? Will they take an extra ten minutes to make Kiddush? I think the waiting to make Kiddush is a conspiracy in its own- really the Rabbi’s have all had conferences of how to get the most entertainment out of shull. They have discovered everyone sleeps during the sermon, so why not pay those bastards back by making them wait for food. You see for centuries Food has brought Jews together, though as we will see divides us immensely at the same time. Take for instance the situation of waiting for Kiddush- those who start eating before get nasty looks from those above them in their hashkafa. The most evident way that food divides us is in the first 3 minutes after Kiddush is made. A mob of people swarms around the chulent bowl with 2 spoons to serve. Order is non-existent here- you have entered chulent hell- also the place where all stains on fancy clothing occur. “oh man lookm what you did you dropped the spoon in the bowl” then of course the nasty browned, dirty, napkin around the end of the serving spoon. You think the chulent situation is bad- check out some Kiddush clubs- the fight for single malt scotch is quite intense, and here it is mostly men, so no bystanders can get hurt in the madness.